Drowning

I hate it when I get like this.
I blame the loneliness.
Its amazing how loneliness can change people, how they behave, react, decide.
Patty is gone. Sony is leaving soon, and I haven't been able to get a hold of her for the past couple of days. Z will be gone for a week, and I'm dreading his absence. My ex has been creating drama (again! I swear the boy lives off of it) about something I wrote in a blog. I find myself wanting to have tea with Christian again, just because I long for company with someone, anyone. I'm trying to use Buddhist concepts to help me get through this, and they do help, but its still hard (nothing worth having ever came easily)
The worse of it is that I can't seem to get out of this rut of self-pity. I hate getting into an angsty, woe-is-me phase. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it annoys the hell out of me.
I grew up part-time in a home with a step-mother who rarely missed an opportunity to remind me how worthless I am, an alcoholic father, a mother who strived for stepford perfection. I now have a job which any idiot can do, and have to deal with rude customers who will vent their frustrations on me or call me "ma'am", despite the fact I am younger then 98% of them. I come home, get on my computer, read, or watch tv with my usual dinner, a bowl of oatmeal.

Sigh.

Things will turn around eventually, and I am grateful for the good times I have experienced, but the low points in life can be frustraiting.

I wonder....

2:17 AM.
As I log on, my Google account informs me that "pusillanimous" is a synonym for cowardly, Congress repealed the HIV travel ban, the importance of awareness, and that our waning cresent moon is 12% full.
Kudos for technology.

Work was peaceful enough, I finished closing up half an hour early, so I sat in the kitchen and read until it was time for me to clock out. Usually I would have just left, but lately I've been trying to stay the full shift, even when I'm finished, just for those few extra dollars that I can stretch until they cry.
That's me, financial sadist, dictator of frugality, pennypincher champion.
Until I see something shiney that I can't live without.
Then all hope is lost.

I stopped by Darlene's, feeling the need for a social life. Darren is still moody, and the amount of negative energy he expels can be terribly depressing at times. I try to be paitent, but it is trying at times. I wish he would act like an adult and talk about what is buggin him instead of glaring and giving silent treatments. At least he is talking now, I'm thankful for that.
I need to get out, either to the studio for yoga and dance, or some other hobby, anything. Someplace to escape when my own home is not a welcoming place.

I arrived home to my usual dinner of oatmeal and afterwards a nice long relaxing bath. I finished the second book in the Dante Valentine series, and started the third this evening. Afterwards I finally got around to rearranging my room. Its not perfect, but considering the tiny amount of space I have to cram a futon pad, two bookshelves, a set of plastic drawers, and the space-consuming papasan chair, it is better then the previous arrangement. I can open my closet door now :)
I think when I have some spare change, I'll buy a Buddha statue for the little makeshift alter I have on top of the smaller bookshelf. A daily reminder of the middle way he taught.


My navel piercing is angry. Meh. Of all my piercings, this is definately my least favorite, stupid finicky little thing.

At work today I found myself drifting off in thought a lot, especally during the slow periods. I wonder what life will be like without Sony for a whole year. I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself for leaving Z, I wonder if Darlene will change after she gets married, I wonder if I'll be fortunate enough to have coffee and tea with Christian again, I wonder if I'll be brave enough to jump at the opportunity of a better job, I wonder if I'll ever be owned by a dominant again.

Time for sleep.

Coffee, Tea, and Stir Fry

C'est moi!

Sunday morning found me reluctanly dragging my ass out of a questioningly comfortable bed (there's only so much comfort I can get out of a futon pad) to go to the Kaladi cafe downtown. I hadn't been in to that particular location since they moved into it earlier this year, it's much more comfortable then their previous location, especially considering how crowded it usually is. I meet a friend of Darlene's, a man named Christian.
A relaxed Sunday afternoon having coffee with a cute and interesting guy is definately a great way to spend my day off. I loved it. We hung out at his place for a few hours, a beautiful apartment with a vauge and tasteful Asian theme. I hope to one day have a place as nice as that. While I don't mind my little crappy apartment, and I love my room mates, I find myself occasionally longing for a place of my own, a place with space for everything, instead of cramming 90% of my belongings into a tiny bedroom. He even had a small Buddha statue on one of his tables, which made me infinately happy. Yay Buddha!
He made some delicious tea as we talked about random stuff, as people usually do when they're trying to get to know one another. He is a truly wonderful man.

I wonder how Darlene ends up with such an eclectic set of friends. Probably by being the most adroable and open woman in existance. I realized today how much I measure my worth by the friends I surround myself with, and how happy I can make them. My friends are the family I never had, which is why it hurts when they have to leave, such as Sony and Patty. Sony will have the time of her life in France, and will be back by next summer or fall, but still I'll miss her like crazy.

Lena came by this afternoon for a BBQ that I completely forgot we were planning to have. (I forgot because she was in a state of undress when she told me, and I was too distracted by her breasts. Glorious boobies.) Because of the rainy weather, and a suicidal grill which insists on catching itself on fire every time we try to cook with it, Lena decided to make us yummy stirfry instead.



Lena ^_^

Fruit

I have finally done the inevitable.
I lost my phone.
Arrrrggggggg!
I wasn't too worried, I guess mostly because there wasn't very many places it could have gone.
Lena eventually found it in my car. Her phone was hiding in there too :)
Yay phone.


At work, a co-worker, Sam, gave me a little container of left-over fruit. She doesn't do it very often, but I love it when she does. She is such a sweetheart. As I was eating the fruit, I found myself savoring not only the fruit itself, but the gratitude I felt for Sam's generosity. I think my goal for this coming week is to make an effort to do little things for others.


It turns out the bellydance performance was cancelled, which saddens me, but I still intend on practicing to certain peieces should any last minute performance opportunities pop up.

Work was busy today. I have the day off tomorrow, so I am going to light some incense, and cuddle up with a book, tea, and a bowl of oatmeal.

Pray for the women of Aghanistan

Please pray for the girls and women of Afghanistan. While I support those who become sex workers willingly, I get very depressed and worried when I heard stories like this. No human should be forced into sex work because they simply have no other option for survival.


Need for Survival Fuels Sex Work, High Birth Rate Kills Mothers in Afghanistan

Women and young girls are being pushed to commercial sex work due to high food prices and widespread unemployment in Afghanistan. High fertility rates, poor health services, and a high maternal mortality rate compound these issues.

Sex work is considered to be a serious crime in Afghanistan, where offenders can face the death penalty or lengthy prison sentences for engaging in sex outside of marriage. Fariba Majid, Director of the Balkh Province Women's Affairs Department, calls sex work "an abhorrent deed and an appalling crime", according to Irin News. However, many sex workers do not have other means to survive or feed their families.

Afghan women face high fertility rates and one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world. Only 14% of women receive skilled birthing attention during childbirth. Access to health services is limited by a lack of awareness, economic barriers, and men's willingness to take women to health centers. One of six Afghan women will die from complications during pregnancy or childbirth; the average woman will have six or seven children.

Parental responsibility is often tied to sex work in Afghanistan. An Afghan prostitute, Najiba, told Irin News, "I am a widow and I have to feed my five children. I am illiterate and no one will give me a job. I hate to be a prostitute but if I stop doing this job my children will starve to death."

Media Resources: Irin News 7/14/08, 7/16/08; Feminist Majority Foundation

Friday

I woke up early (for me) after a late night full of caffine-induced insomnia. I can pull off getting by on four hours a sleep only on occasion, and today was not one of them.

I had lunch with Dad at our favorite eating spot, talking about good books we've read or want to read. Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, Odd Thomas, works by Philip K Dick, Chuck Palahniuk, everything else.

Afterwards I visted my Shawn, the husband of my old room mate, to give my car its desperately needed oil change. He pulled the dipstick out twice, looking confused and even amused. "There's no oil on the stick." He pointed out.
Loooooong overdue.

I picked Z up during his split shift break. We crashed at Darlene's for pizza and conversation, and after he got off shift, we went back to hang out Darlene, Daniel, and Lena. It was grand fun, I love it when I have a chance to spend time with my friends. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Now I am finally home, and the responsibilities of reality calls. Laundry to do, sleep to be had, work to go to.

Fortunately, I got the day off of work the day of the bellydance performance.
Unfortunately, now this means I actually have to practice. Oh well, I work better under stress. I'll try to make sure pictures will be posted.

Working For The Devil...

...is an awesome book. Lilith Saintcrow created a beautiful blend of paranormal and sci-fi, something that I wish I could find more of. A necromancer living in a colorful cyberpunk world, Dante is forced into a job for Lucifer to track down Santino, a man who killed her closest friend Doreen and nearly killed Dante as well. Her resources include Japh, her demon familiar, a fellow necromancer, Gabe, Eddie, who is Gabe's husband, and Jace, the man who up and left her suddenly years ago. And she doesn't know which of them can be trusted.
The plot twists are nicely executed, and the ending made my jaw hit the floor with surprise. If you are in sci fi and paranormal, I would highly recommend it.

Book Goodness

Another quiet day. Since I now have gas in my car, I could actually get out and drive around. I made my way to a local bookstore, and after browsing for a while, I found some graphic novels to put on hold, including.....{insert drumroll}........ the first two volumes of Antia Blake Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K Hamilton!
YAYYYYY!!!!!
I'll admit, I am a LK Hamilton fan. She has been on of my favorite indulgences since my senior year of high school. I'm so glad they're doing comics of her works. Granted, I am not under any dilusions, her work is certainly not outstanding, it is hit or miss at best, but I love the characters, and theres a familiarity I get when reading her novels that I don't get from other books. And yes, like many paranormal novels these days, there is sex involved, but I love the fact that there is no manipulation or lies about it. The sex is just sex, and not full of prose usually found in dimestore romance trash, and niether is the sex confused with love (unless Anita happens be with someone she truely cares about). I have a whole soapbox rant about people who confuse sex for love. But that is for another time. I do hope that in the future, Hamilton will write more about Anita's necromancy, or more police cases. The last book, The Harlequin, had a plot the revolved entirely around vampire politics, which gets old after a while.

I eagarly await my paycheck so I can pick them up and spend all day tomorrow in wonderful nerdy goodness.

I logged onto blogger today and found out my entire list of blogs had disappeared, probably because I changed the blogs address to dreamingtangerine. So I spent an hour searching through google and blogspot trying to locate my favorite blogs, as well as dicovering a few new ones. I also added blogs involving comics (because I am a part time nerd), and transgender folks. I am not transgendered, but I am a huge advocate for transexual rights. The rest of my blogs pretty much revolve around Buddhism, feminisim, philosophy or politics. Check them out and enjoy.

Dinner with Dad and the search for truth

I finally saw my dad today. It was good to see him. We went to dinner at a local diner as he told me about his trip. He had a good time, he found Southern Idaho particularly beautiful.
I really missed him, he is one of the few people I can talk to and not have to hold anything back or censor myself, in fear of offending him. We talked about science and religion. I told him about my studies in Buddhism and how much I enjoyed it. The thing I love my dad is that he is pretty accepting of people, even ones who are different then him, unless he sees their actions as potentionally harmful, and even then his definition of "harmful" is pretty extreme stuff. He is the onewho taught me to look at things at various perspectives and viewpoints. My love of playing devil's advocate stems from that.
The only problem with playing devil's advocate and being able to look at things at multiple and oppsing points of view is that, at the end of the day, you become unsure of what you believe, and without convictions and beliefs, it is hard to find a point of view you agree with because it is possible to agree with different aspects of two or three opposing points of view, which leads to contradiction and confusion. Eventually, you have to decide what you believe, or else you can't form an identity. This doesn't mean you should stop looking at and exploring different perspectives. To stick passionately and strictly to one side while completely disregarding and demeaning all other sides and possibilities leads to narrow mindedness (see religious fanatics).

It took me a long time for me to decide on what I believe in regards to religion, morality, politics, and life in general. I really didn't have much of an identity until my senior year of high school. I started by figuring out the things I knew I didn't believe:

- I didn't believe a lot of things the evangelical Christians tried to portray as reality, Such as the creation story as fact, their complete disregard for science, the fact that a man can beat his wife, and if she files for divorce, she is in as much sin as he is, if not more (this one actually comes from a youth group who tried to convince me this was true. My mother heard this and was furious, and only went to the youth group once or twice after that.), and the severe sexism found in the bible. One thing I am grateful for is that I when I left the religion to seek truth, I did so without bearing any grudges or ill-will against Christianity. Honestly. I see so many people who leave the faith resentful and angry, and hate all Christians because of it. It is sad to see such people, because I meet a lot of good people in the Chrisitian faith, loving and peaceful people for which the word of Jesus worked for them (such as my sister Amanda and her family). I also met a lot of people who ignored Jesus's teachings on love, kindness, and non-judgement, or only followed such teachings towards those they "approved" of. It is partially because of them that I left to seek the truth on my own. I often have to remind myself that there are angels and assholes in every religion. So, I left that religion to find one I could agree with.

- I didn't believe that the government should make decisions for women in regards to reproductive choices. Nor should the "rights" of a fetus take precidence over the rights of the woman carrying it. So I became pro-choice.

- I didn't believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, transgendered should be treated as second class citizens. So I became an advocate of equal rights, gay marriage.

These opinions eventually paved the way for feminisim, reproductive rights, equal rights, moderate liberal political beliefs, and Buddhism.

I still like to consider differing points of view, but now I know what I believe as well, and its is a part of who I am.


When I got home tonight, Darren was apparently not talking to Z or me, gods know why. Maybe he's still peeved about a couple of nights ago, maybe he is lonely and wants the attention, or wants to be left alone. I'm sitting in his room with him watching Star Trek (yes, we are nerds.) If he really wants to be left alone, he can tell me to leave, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind either way. It's just Darren being Darren. Either way, I consider him a good friend, and try to be there for him.

And.... I have strawberry cheesecake! Nothing shall destroy my joy when strawberry cheesecake is involved! Nothing!
Yum.

Wednesday

Sony stopped by last night after her tribal class to work on our bellydance choreography. We had a decent start, but gave up after an hour or so. Chereography is a weakpoint for both of us, thats when we usually rely on Ree. It didnt help that I was sick. Sony and I are doing a duet to a song by Ajaja, a kind of mid-eastern pop style, and I'm doing a solo to Minor Swing. I still need to get my costume completely together. While working on my solo, my stomach cramped up. I am sooo out practice. As soon as the tribal workshop is over with at the yoga place, I'm going to take bellydance classes there.

After we gave up, we crashed on the couch with pizza and watched Supernatural. I love that show. We went through 2 whole disks of season two. Just three more episodes to go, and then we'll have to wait until September 4th for season three to come out. It's funny, I haven't watched actual television, with commercials and everything, in over a year. I hate a lot of the trash they put on tv now, as well as the media perceptions of what a woman should look like. But every once and a while, I'll find a show I love: Supernatural, Nip/Tuck, Dexter for good plot, and Family guy, South park, and Futurama for comedic relief.

It was good to have the four of us - Sony, Darren, Z, and myself - get together and hang out. I've realized lately I'm losing friends, not so much that we're drifting apart, but my some friends are at points of their lives where they need to follow their own paths, paths I can't follow. Patty, one of my dearest friends, is leaving as soon as this this Saturday to go to grad school in Oregon. Sony is going to leaving in September to spend 9 months or so in France, Darren is going to be moving away in about a year, and Z probably won't be far behind him. I try not to think about it, but still, it's hard, knowing that in a year, most of your closest friends won't be around.

I would love to travel or study abroad, but can't at this point in my life, I have to get through more of my education first. While I wouldn't mind taking a semester or so off to study abroad, I can't until at least 2010. I want to wrap up my pre-req classes and have a good portion of my degree-related classes finished before I think about taking time off for travel. I would love to go back to France, or volunteer in India or Nepal.

My dad is pulling an all-nighter at his office to catch up on the work he left behind on vacation. I think I'll go visit him.

Rainy days are my favorite

Even the rain falls in silence,
crashing towards the earth,
a tiny shout of joy upon collision,
an instant fusion of elements
as yesterday is washed away,
its memories carried on the backs
of nomadic streams as they
quietly drift down the street.


I love rainy days like today. My skin is somewhat sun sensitive, I burn even in the winter, and skin cancer runs in the family. Fortunately for me, it's been rainy for most of the summer. Some people find day's like these very dreary and depressing. I find them comforting, relaxing, even almost uplifting. I sit on the niche of a porch of our front door, narrowly confined by two walls on either side, and a door behind me, the world in front of me. I love it because I can grab a cup of tea and sit outside, wrapped in a blanket, and not get wet.

I tried to get back into the habit of meditating while I was out here, I didn't last very long, it's been forever since I've practiced. But a little meditation beats none at all, and I feel quite relaxed and satisfied. There's no rush.

Afterward I grabbed my laptop and sat outside, enjoying the melody of D'yer Mak'er drift through the rain and fade into the neightborhood. I love Led Zeppelin.

While outside, I left the door ajar, and Kira cautiously made her way out of here. Both of the cats here are strictly indoor cats, and I doubt she's ever spent much (if any) time outside before coming here. She's learned that the porch is somewhat safe, but she is still as cautious as ever. When she reached the end of the porch and felt rain hit her for what was undoubtedly the first time in her life, she freaked out, wondering what was touching her. She finally fled back to the doorway, giving her adorably cute squeaking mew that makes me wonder if she is more mouse then cat.

Ramblings

I have spent all day in bed.
Not that I'm complaining. These past few years I've had little time to rest, between two years of college, two jobs last summer, a summer class and a part time job this summer (a job which I had throughout most of my sophomore year in addition to school), in addition to suffering mono and chronic poor health most of my freshman year. So now that I have plenty of time to rest, I am going to take full advantage of it, before life picks up again.
We all need our breaks now and again.

Since I couldn't get much sleep (I never do when I am sick, and the times I am asleep, it's usually because I passed oit for sheer exhaustion), I laid here in bed all day with my mountain of pillows and nest of blankets, the fan humming quietly, with the comfort of my books and laptop, feeling the edges of sleep pulling at me, but not quiet able to give it yet.

I wonder how Mom is doing. She won't be back from her trip until later this week. I miss her, but we've managed to email back and forth. She commented how she understands that it's my choice that I open up to my dad more then I open up to her, though I know that it hurts her. I don't think she realizes why I do it though, I love her so much and I strive to keep a positive relationship with her, but considering her reaction to my sexuality, how would she react to my spiritual choices? How can I talk to her about relationships? How can I lend her my opinion on things without telling her things she may not want to hear? (Though fortunately, on most subjects of politics, she and I tend to be on the same page) Usually whenever I visit her, and especially so when other family members are around, I just take the "sit down and talk as little as you can" approach. Be invisible as you can. I love my family, even if some of them doubt it, and so I hide myself from them in order to keep a civil relationship with them, instead of just being myself and causing heartache and drama.

I wish I had a family that could see and accept me as I am.

Actually, I have no need to wish for that. While that particular family may not know me, I do have family that does. My dad, for instance, a man who let his wife verbally abuse me in her drunken moments, turned out to be the father I need in this point in my life. I used to hate him, but I realize now that he has grown just as much as I have. I guess when people have children, the children aren't the only ones to grow up. The parents have to grow up too.

My friends, Z, Darren, Sony, Darlene, Lara, (among others) are like family to me, and closer to me then any family I've ever had.

Okay, enough angst. ^_^ Time for food. I havent eaten all day.

sick

I'm getting sick, stuffy nose and slight chills and sweats mostly. Chicken noodle soup, tea, and oatmeal are my friends whenever I get sick, as my throat always suffers the worse. I really need to get my tonsiles removed, they're constantly enlarged anyways, and I think I am at a point in my life where they are doing more harm than good.

Sony couldn't make it tonight for bellydance, so tomorrow we shall dance! I can't wait.

I bought a book today. I found my missing $20, and it went towards oatmeal, yogurt, and a book, The Heart of Buddha's Teachings by Thich Nhat Hanh. I probably should have putit towards gas, but as soon as I opened it up, I couldn't resist. So far, it is a beautiful and straight forward intro to the Buddha's teachings.

I was beginning to get slightly worried because Iwas unable to reach my dad today. I hadn't heard from him in quite some time because he was away on a trip, but he had returned last thursday, and I hadn't heard from him. Serveral attempts to call him, even at his office, proved useless. Finally I got a hold of him this evening. It was good to hear his voice, I really missed him.

3am catfood run

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

(in other words: don't get attached to things in hopes of their permanence. Instead, enjoy them while they last)

Anyways, today was a pretty good one, an enjoyable one at least. Work went by quietly, and I didn't get anywhere near becoming anxious, exasperated, or frustraited. Its amazing what drugs and a new perspective will do for you. A low dose of the anxiety meds gets me in the right mindset, and the perspective keeps me in that mindset.

I didn't go to game, and I don't think I will until my schedule changes so I can have the day off to go play. Otherwise I just end up sitting and watching the scenes unfold. Actually, it was rather fortunate that I skipped out on game. I got home and chilled for a while, and about an hour later Lena showed up to visit. She is so funny, a fucking riot. It wasn't too long before we retreated to Z's room and good old fashioned fun ensued. (And damn, did we all need it.)
Our room mate Darren is pissed as all hell afterwards, as he always is. His problem, not ours, but it does suck trying to tiptoe around him out of consideration for his feelings. Still, other then that, he is a pretty awesome room mate, definately one of the best I've had. He'll blow over in a few days.

And then Z and I went on a 3 AM catfood run.

Though I haven't seen her in a while, I did manage to have a good online chat with Sony, my bestest of friends. There's a bellydance thing at the market this weekend, and she wants me to join. I think I'm going to be doing a solo to Minor Swing, as well as a duet with Sony to some song I've never heard of. We also talked about getting spider tattoos together, because spiders rock, and because they are a symbol of free will, choice, and the responsibility of our choices (in other words, we all weave our own web through the choices we make). I am going to miss her insanely when she leaves.

I have most of the week off, and intend on spending it sleeping, reading, and dancing for the market performance. It will be grand ^_^

It's past four am and my brain is too tired to write anything else. I'm going to go pop a migraine pill and have some dinner, and curl up with my Lilith Saintcrow novel. It's getting reallly good.

Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.

Economic frustrations.

The thing that sucks about being broke is that I find myself stuck in the apartment more than I can stand. My job is part time for the moment, so I find myself with too much time on my hands, and a lot of it is wasted in this depression of loneliness I've been dealing with. I've been eyeing a local yoga studio that offers yoga, meditation, and dance classes. I've been there before, for a few yoga classes, and I really enjoyed the atmosphere. I need to get out more, and The Studio is a pretty quiet and friendly place. It will hopefully get back into the habit of meditating more, something I love doing, always forget to do.
I have a love/hate relationship with yoga. I love the way I feel afterwards, but during I feel like a helpless unbalanced klutz. Compared to everyone around me, I feel overweight and awkward, yet I keep doing it because I love watching how I improve, I love how relaxed and happier I am afterwards.
The problem, as it stands, is money. They have a great deal on unlimited monthly classes, but it would take most of my weekly paycheck, which I can't afford to do, unless I feel like going without eating for a week or two. Damn my crappy part time low wage job! (Actually, I am very grateful to even have a job).
Not only are my paychecks small, money is tighter then usual now because of the economy. Me and my room mates are constantly borrowing money from each other more then usual now, and our monthly bills just came in. On top of that, I finally made an appointment next week for an oil change for my car, something I've been putting off since March. I also invited Z to go to the movies this Friday. He's even worse off finacially right now than I am, and he loves the movies. I hope treating him to one will cheer him up.
So:
Oil change - $50
This weeks bills - $20
Movies - $20
Total: $90
My paycheck will be about $120, so that leaves me with 30 for gas and food (a tight squeeze, but managable if I'm clever). I'll try to squeeze $15 of that to take a yoga class this week if I can. I need to get out of this damn apartment.
Sigh.
Fucking economy.
I could always just skip the movies with Z, but I've been wanting to catch a movie with him for the past couple of weeks now. It will make him happy (hopefully).

i'm such an idiot

I have been really missing my dom lately, and have been very lonely. I've been wanting to hang out with him more, but its hard with his schedule. When he isn't working, he's sleeping or gaming. So I called him tonight wondering if we could hang out and discuss contract stuff (it had just expired and I was wondering if it would be renewed or not). He said he would call after game. He did call, a little before midnight, asking if I wanted to come over or not. I asked him if he wanted me to come over. His response: "I don't care if you do, I dont care if you don't." I said alright and told him I would drop by.

About 10 minutes after I got there, after he told me his plans for designing his room, he asked if I wanted to spend the night. I told him that it was his decision. He replied that it was not what he asked, so I said whichever was most convienient for him. He said that he didn't want anybody else sleeping in his room before it was finished.

Thats when I realized that I shouldn't have come to see him. In my overwhelming loneliness, I had missed all the signs, the signals he had dropped, (the fact he hadn't called me today like he said he would, and then the "I don't care" comment, his comment on how late it was and how tired he was, and then the lame excuse of no one sleeping in his room until it was finished.)

I was so incredibly embarrassed that I had come over anyways despite the fact he rather I hadn't stopped by. I just got up and left at that point, without saying anything, which in hindsight, was pretty rude. I cried on the drive home, and when I got home, calmed down enough to write him an apology email, explained that I wasn't mad, just embarassed.

Lately I've been feeling so unwanted by him, and I dont know what I did to make him not want me. I feel like i'm drowning in a sea of loneliness, and the person that I want most to please, whom I want to serve, to care for, to submit to, doesn't seem want me.

A few of my favorite things.

Things that make my life happy.



Khaliyah, my baby snake. I love snakes, and have always wanted one, so when I moved out, I saved my money and bought her. She is the best pet ever. I hope to get another one soon, but it will be quite a while until I can afford a companion for her.



Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. I love Jhonen Vasquez's artwork, as well as the black humor and delightful randomness in the comics. I know he probably won't create more, but I wish he would, I thoroughly enjoyed Johnny.



Raves. I haven't been to one in soooo long. But I love them, I find a spot on the floor, snap my glowsticks, and get lost in the music, dancing all night long. Its also a good chance for me to see friends I haven't seen in forever.




Travel. I love to travel. Fortunately my parents shared my obsession and dragged me along. I've been to about a dozen countries, including France, Germany, Sweden, Russia, and Estonia. I took this of the Effel Tour in Paris.



Bellydancing. I freaking love bellydancing. I'm not as obsessed as Sony is, but I love it just the same. I'm going to restart my classes soon to improve my technique in tribal. Dancing is a form of spiritual worship for me, the use of te body to give thanks and express myself. Plus it is a total blast.



Body Modification. I am obsessed. It is very addicting, rather expensisve, yet so beautiful. Right now I have 10 piercings, and am planning on an additional two napes, a pair of transdermals and a few more holes in the ear. Alas, I have no tattos yet (yay virgin skin), but I am planning on some. It will be a couple of years though. My goal is to one day be brave enough to do a suspension.

In The Beginning...

...well, actually, this isn't much of a beginning.
More like me picking up the pieces of a somewhat shattered life and trying to get my act together, which is harder then I thought it would be. Somehow I'm worse off this year then I was last year, and it frustraits me.
Last summer I was in a good relationship, I had a job that paid rent, groceries, and even enough left over for books. The job ended with me getting mono, which didn't really matter, school started soon after and I would have had to quit eventually. The relationship ended because I found myself spinning into an intense depression, and I broke it off, ruining the only healthy relationship I've ever been in.
My current job I don't really mind, the people I work with are nice enough, but the hours are few and the pay is minimal, which results in me relying on my parents again, something that is a constant scource of guilt for me. I moved out two years ago, and I am more finacially dependant on them then ever. I just got out of the worse relationship of my life, barely escaping with my sanity.
Maybe I'm in the backwards step in the "two steps forward, one step back" path of life, but it is still rather frustraiting.
I'm making a little progress, and lots of plans for progress.
Come monday I'll make an appointment for pharm tech training. I've been putting it off too long. And an appointment for PTT for a potential job. (After I cancel my oil change appointment, due to lack of funds. Once again, it will rescehduled for next week. It will get done next week, it will get done next week, it WILL get done next week....le sigh. Fucking economic crisis.)
On the relationship front...well, nothing much. My contract with The Sadist ended on Thursday, and I'm debating on whether or not to renew it, for reasons I'll delve into later. I find myself missing Z, as I have every week since our end last Feburary. Nerds are the best companions.
Here goes my attempt to restart my life.
As they say, "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."