Chocolate Ice Cream Therapy.

Today could have gone better.

Ryan is causing more trouble for me. My lifestyle has once again been declared degrading by him. Not only that, he considers people who are dominant (aka 'doms') as "cowards" and "bullies." Thats why he "no longer associates with those people anymore."
He's acting like a self-hating gay man, bashing others because he's afraid of facing himself.
I wish he would stop. I have made numerous attempts to be friends with him, forgiving him even when he showed no desire to apologise, and for a while, things seemed to be going okay. But, as usual, he found something to create drama over, and things have been shakey ever since.
I wish he would just, at the very least, tolerate and accept that some people have different tastes then he does. Some people are kinky, and that is okay. He is vanilla, and that's okay too, but it's no excuse to bash other people for their personal kinks which are healthy and legal.

People bashing the BDSM lifestyle is a very sensitive issue for me, I am very protective about my lifestyle and those in it. What makes it worse is his absolutely horrible timing. You see, a friend of mine, Jeff, has finally succomed to his liver cancer this morning. Jeff was a smart, witty, and honorable man, very intelligent, working on his doctorate, and a talented photographer. Jeff was also a dom, and it pains me that in the wake of his death, Ryan has the nerve to paint all dominants as cowards and bullies, for Jeff was neither. Jeff was more of a man then most males will ever be. While I will never deny that there are doms who are assholes, not all doms are. It is common knowledge that there are angels and assholes in every group of people. But most doms are decent people who simply have a domination fetish. Within the boundries of consent, domination/submission is healthy, fun, and legal.

Yet Ryan refuses to see this.

A long time ago, this would have had me seeing red. But now, I am so tired of Ryan's constant emotional masochism that all I can do is roll my eyes and laugh. That's the best anyone can do in the fact of drama, anyways, just shake your head and laugh at the bullshit. Life is too short for me to get caught up in his rediculous hatred, especially if he is going to so adamantly discriminate against those who aren't like him. (The irony is furthered by the fact that he prides himself in being a supporter of equality. This also makes me giggle.)

Work was long and kinda stressful. That, in addition to Jeff's death and Ryan's bullshit, called for chocolate ice cream therapy. I usually hate chocolate ice cream, but tonight I had an odd craving. I bought one of those cute tiny containers for $1.50. I can never eat more then one scoop anyways.


Onwards!....
I hung out with Jason last night, we watched The Eye and Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantonamo Bay. The Eye wasn't bad, it definately had some good scares, and the ending wasn't nearly as bad as the endings of the horror/suspense flicks I've seen lately. Harold and Kumar was funny, the silliness wouldn't stop. They faced idiot homeland security officers, prison guards demanding blow jobs, good old fashion Alabama incest, our president, an asshole politician, Neil Patrick Harris, Teaxan whores, and of course, lots and lots of weed. A silly movie, but not a stupid one. I was amused greatly. I stayed out too late though, and when I finally got home, I stumbled into bed and was dead to the world.

Christian eventually did call, albeit at 2am. We were supposed to hang out this evening, but that ended up being cancelled as he was sick. Later this week, hopefully. Poor Darlene is sick too. I stopped by to say hi to her, and watch a movie with Chelsea. I also borrowed The Animatrix and The Exorcist from Darlene. Right now I'm watching the Animatrix with Darren and the kitties. I've been watching too many movies lately, I'm getting behind on my reading.

It's almost 2 am. I need to crash now, tomorrow I work earlier then usual, but thankfully it's not a full shift.

One final thought...

Khaliyah fucking rocks. Yes, yes she does. Rocks more then you ever will (or me, for that matter.)

Bookcase Buddha

These past few days have been eventful in their own subtle way.

I rearranged my room earlier this week. It actually turned out surprisingly well, the best arrangement I've done so far. I think I'll keep it this way, I actually have floor space now.

Yesterday I saw Dark Knight with Jason yesterday. It was freaking awesome, the nerd in me is soooo happy. I know everyone has said it, but it really is a shame that Heath Ledger is dead, that character was so beautifully done.

Today is Sony's birthday. I called her, but only got her voicemail. She is still out of town being a carney for Jamie. I wanted to buy her fire fans for her birthday, but they will have to wait. I have something else in mind until then.

I was only supposed to work for three hours today, but it was so crazy busy that I stayed for another three hours. It was pretty exhausting, especially since I didn't sleep well last night.

I collected my paycheck and went to the mall to pick up a little Buddha statue for my alter. A quick browse through the Pier 1 clearance rack turned up an awsome zen-style candle holder. It was only $7.48, down from $20. I love clearance. I noticed afterwards when I got home that it holds four candles, one for each Noble Truth.

Patty didn't in fact leave on the 26th, which he had originally planned. He leaves for grad school tomorrow, so after work I drove to his house and played Munchkin (the Munchkin Impossible version) with him and Thomas. I hugged and kissed him goodbye afterwards. I am going to miss him soooo freaking much. I'll see him for Christmas, I promised him we would have some alone time.

I stopped by Moose's place where Darlene and Daniel were playign Changeling. Darlene's daughter, Chelsea, flew into town tonight, which makes me happy. She is so freaking cute. A perky goth. She brings out my inner child. Paul also happened to be next door at Oni's, so I got to cuddle with him. He just moved close by, so I plan to visit him more often. He is one of the most cuddlable people I've ever met.

When I finally got home, around midnight, I found a huge box sitting on the porch with my name on it. A bookcase, from my dad. And not a cheap one either. Nice dark expresso-colored wood, two shelves, very elegantly designed. I was soooo excited when I saw it. I tried to call him to say thank you, but he didn't answer his cell. I set it up in the last remaining open space in my room, and set my alter up on the top of it. It is beautiful, Buddha looks very peaceful in the candle-light.

I called Christian today, asking him if we could have tea again. He laughed and said perhaps tomorrow, he would call. I need to figure out my schedule for next week in case tomorrow doesn't work. I need to know it by tomorrow anyways to figure out my plans for next week, I'm hoping to meet Mom for lunch or dinner, and see some friends when I have the time.

After relaxing bath, I split a pizza with Darren, and now we're watching Tin Man, a modernfantasy-style Wizard of Oz, and Kira is attacking a q-tip.

Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.