Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.