How do I say it?

I've never been one to find myself confused about relationships.
Honestly.

Or even hesitant, for that matter, which is a fairly unusual quirk for me; I'm a fairly hesitant person. On the chart of spiral dynamics, I tend to hang out in the "green" stage (kudos to any random reader who knows what that is.) In most situations, I am nearly has hesitant as Hamlet, without all the angst. But with relationships I tend to throw all caution to the wind and say "What the hell?" Why not? Who knows what psychological yarn balls of entangled delight and intrigue I will find? (Odd analogy, I know. Run with it). I've had some pretty damn good relationships because of it, Z in particular, and some really really really shitty ones.

It makes life interesting, to say the least.

But now I find myself attracted to a friend, and I know he's attracted to me as well, but there is a lot of hesitation there, on both sides. A big reason is due to professional reasons; He is an employee for a company I work for, and while for me this is just a passing job, for him this is his career. And the company has specific rules about inter-company relations, which we are breaking, thus risking his career.
But I'm quitting my job. This is my last week. I decided to quit because my school was falling behind, and my anxiety was raising, severely. But as soon as I've worked my last shift, anything he and I do will be perfectly kosher. It hit me a few days ago: Once I'm done, where does that leave us?

He's an amazing guy with awesome geeky interests. He's still in love with his ex. Ouch, nothing much I can do about that. I prefer someone who is more dominant. But what is cute is that he is actually putting effort into being more dominant. He'll spank and hit and bite and restrain me, knowing I like it. He prefers women who are a little more physically aggressive. And I find myself being a little more aggressive then my usual shy self when I'm around him.

And yet, when I try to talk about what I've been dying to talk about, I get shyer then I have ever found myself. What are we? Why are we hesitating? Does he want anything more, like a relationship, or would he prefer to leave things as is. What would his idea of a relationship entail, anyways? I am just a side trip on his journey to find The One?
Usually I have no problem with communicating like this, but for some reason I am facing difficulty. I really like this guy, and would love to pursue things further, but I don't want to pressure him into anything he is reluctant to go into. I just want him to be happy.

He seems happy enough when we're together. He's very physical, which makes me happy because I am a physical person as well. He's not afraid to cuddle or curl up while we watch movies. He'll kiss me at random times. We laugh and joke a lot.
Why do I hesitate?
We've only been doing this for about two months. I really don't want to fuck up this friendship by pushing for something he may not want.
I wanted to talk about it last time when I visited him last night, but we both fell asleep before I had much of a chance. I'm trying to attack this from a Buddhist standpoint, and just enjoy the moment, regardless of the uncertainty. But it's hard, humans don't like being uncertain.

Best of luck to you, Mr. Bailey.

Rent was an incredible ordeal today, it sucked. Z is still out of town so I had to pay rent, but we had to open a joint account in our names so he could get his part of the rent to me. Then we ended up being $10 short, and I ended up having to borrow some from Chelsea.
Arrrrg.

Ryan emailed me again today, trying his best to drag as much drama out of this situation as he possibly can.
"As time has gone by it seems that there are to many difrences between our ethics and belifs, and you are not the type of person i would have as a freind, for youre sake i hope you find yourself someday and grow past this phase of yours but ive no interest in helping you along the way."
....yes, his spelling really is that bad.

That "phase" he is referring to is my submissiveness, something I've been ever since I was a kid. I tried to warn him that by bashing the S&M scene, he is insulting a lot of people who consider him a friend, who are good people, such as Darlene, Daniel, Ian, Matthias. His response:
"Yes, and my wisdom on these things stands, period."

That comment made me giggle. And not just a little burp of a giggle, but an actual laughing fit. He considers himself so "wise", yet I was the one who had to inform him what "vanilla" and "safeword" meant. People who call themselves "wise" usually are anything but. That's Ryan for you.

It felt good to laugh.

At one time I would have been frustraited or angered, but somehow I can't. Not even a little bit. All I can do is laugh. Seriously. The only person who has ever made me feel ashamed of who I am is back trying to make life difficult for me, insulting me, in the wake of a friend's death, and all I can do is try to suppress the insane little giggle that keeps on rising. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry, and in all honestly, I would rather laugh. The whole situation is rather ridiculous. He's bored, he's having personal troubles, and instead of facing himself, facing his own problems, he takes out his inner hatred on me.

It's funny how if you just stop, take a step back, and remember to breathe, a frustraiting situation suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore. Ryan's troubles are his own. Now that he has killed our friendship, hopefully this will give him an opportunity to face his own problems and sort out his own issues. And I hope he does, he has been displaying some disturbing psychological symptoms lately. I worry about him. Despite all the hell, I'll still worry. I always worry about those who I consider friends, even if they don't return the feelings. Sadly, Ryan made his choice, and the only thing I can do is respect his choice, even if he won't respect mine.

Does anyone else find it weird that we live in a culture where we are considered sane if we are open to the possiblity that we may be insane, and where we are considered insane if we refuse to admit that we are anything but sane?

Best of luck to you Ryan. You'll need it.

I wonder....

2:17 AM.
As I log on, my Google account informs me that "pusillanimous" is a synonym for cowardly, Congress repealed the HIV travel ban, the importance of awareness, and that our waning cresent moon is 12% full.
Kudos for technology.

Work was peaceful enough, I finished closing up half an hour early, so I sat in the kitchen and read until it was time for me to clock out. Usually I would have just left, but lately I've been trying to stay the full shift, even when I'm finished, just for those few extra dollars that I can stretch until they cry.
That's me, financial sadist, dictator of frugality, pennypincher champion.
Until I see something shiney that I can't live without.
Then all hope is lost.

I stopped by Darlene's, feeling the need for a social life. Darren is still moody, and the amount of negative energy he expels can be terribly depressing at times. I try to be paitent, but it is trying at times. I wish he would act like an adult and talk about what is buggin him instead of glaring and giving silent treatments. At least he is talking now, I'm thankful for that.
I need to get out, either to the studio for yoga and dance, or some other hobby, anything. Someplace to escape when my own home is not a welcoming place.

I arrived home to my usual dinner of oatmeal and afterwards a nice long relaxing bath. I finished the second book in the Dante Valentine series, and started the third this evening. Afterwards I finally got around to rearranging my room. Its not perfect, but considering the tiny amount of space I have to cram a futon pad, two bookshelves, a set of plastic drawers, and the space-consuming papasan chair, it is better then the previous arrangement. I can open my closet door now :)
I think when I have some spare change, I'll buy a Buddha statue for the little makeshift alter I have on top of the smaller bookshelf. A daily reminder of the middle way he taught.


My navel piercing is angry. Meh. Of all my piercings, this is definately my least favorite, stupid finicky little thing.

At work today I found myself drifting off in thought a lot, especally during the slow periods. I wonder what life will be like without Sony for a whole year. I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself for leaving Z, I wonder if Darlene will change after she gets married, I wonder if I'll be fortunate enough to have coffee and tea with Christian again, I wonder if I'll be brave enough to jump at the opportunity of a better job, I wonder if I'll ever be owned by a dominant again.

Time for sleep.

Friday

I woke up early (for me) after a late night full of caffine-induced insomnia. I can pull off getting by on four hours a sleep only on occasion, and today was not one of them.

I had lunch with Dad at our favorite eating spot, talking about good books we've read or want to read. Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, Odd Thomas, works by Philip K Dick, Chuck Palahniuk, everything else.

Afterwards I visted my Shawn, the husband of my old room mate, to give my car its desperately needed oil change. He pulled the dipstick out twice, looking confused and even amused. "There's no oil on the stick." He pointed out.
Loooooong overdue.

I picked Z up during his split shift break. We crashed at Darlene's for pizza and conversation, and after he got off shift, we went back to hang out Darlene, Daniel, and Lena. It was grand fun, I love it when I have a chance to spend time with my friends. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Now I am finally home, and the responsibilities of reality calls. Laundry to do, sleep to be had, work to go to.

Fortunately, I got the day off of work the day of the bellydance performance.
Unfortunately, now this means I actually have to practice. Oh well, I work better under stress. I'll try to make sure pictures will be posted.

Dinner with Dad and the search for truth

I finally saw my dad today. It was good to see him. We went to dinner at a local diner as he told me about his trip. He had a good time, he found Southern Idaho particularly beautiful.
I really missed him, he is one of the few people I can talk to and not have to hold anything back or censor myself, in fear of offending him. We talked about science and religion. I told him about my studies in Buddhism and how much I enjoyed it. The thing I love my dad is that he is pretty accepting of people, even ones who are different then him, unless he sees their actions as potentionally harmful, and even then his definition of "harmful" is pretty extreme stuff. He is the onewho taught me to look at things at various perspectives and viewpoints. My love of playing devil's advocate stems from that.
The only problem with playing devil's advocate and being able to look at things at multiple and oppsing points of view is that, at the end of the day, you become unsure of what you believe, and without convictions and beliefs, it is hard to find a point of view you agree with because it is possible to agree with different aspects of two or three opposing points of view, which leads to contradiction and confusion. Eventually, you have to decide what you believe, or else you can't form an identity. This doesn't mean you should stop looking at and exploring different perspectives. To stick passionately and strictly to one side while completely disregarding and demeaning all other sides and possibilities leads to narrow mindedness (see religious fanatics).

It took me a long time for me to decide on what I believe in regards to religion, morality, politics, and life in general. I really didn't have much of an identity until my senior year of high school. I started by figuring out the things I knew I didn't believe:

- I didn't believe a lot of things the evangelical Christians tried to portray as reality, Such as the creation story as fact, their complete disregard for science, the fact that a man can beat his wife, and if she files for divorce, she is in as much sin as he is, if not more (this one actually comes from a youth group who tried to convince me this was true. My mother heard this and was furious, and only went to the youth group once or twice after that.), and the severe sexism found in the bible. One thing I am grateful for is that I when I left the religion to seek truth, I did so without bearing any grudges or ill-will against Christianity. Honestly. I see so many people who leave the faith resentful and angry, and hate all Christians because of it. It is sad to see such people, because I meet a lot of good people in the Chrisitian faith, loving and peaceful people for which the word of Jesus worked for them (such as my sister Amanda and her family). I also met a lot of people who ignored Jesus's teachings on love, kindness, and non-judgement, or only followed such teachings towards those they "approved" of. It is partially because of them that I left to seek the truth on my own. I often have to remind myself that there are angels and assholes in every religion. So, I left that religion to find one I could agree with.

- I didn't believe that the government should make decisions for women in regards to reproductive choices. Nor should the "rights" of a fetus take precidence over the rights of the woman carrying it. So I became pro-choice.

- I didn't believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, transgendered should be treated as second class citizens. So I became an advocate of equal rights, gay marriage.

These opinions eventually paved the way for feminisim, reproductive rights, equal rights, moderate liberal political beliefs, and Buddhism.

I still like to consider differing points of view, but now I know what I believe as well, and its is a part of who I am.


When I got home tonight, Darren was apparently not talking to Z or me, gods know why. Maybe he's still peeved about a couple of nights ago, maybe he is lonely and wants the attention, or wants to be left alone. I'm sitting in his room with him watching Star Trek (yes, we are nerds.) If he really wants to be left alone, he can tell me to leave, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind either way. It's just Darren being Darren. Either way, I consider him a good friend, and try to be there for him.

And.... I have strawberry cheesecake! Nothing shall destroy my joy when strawberry cheesecake is involved! Nothing!
Yum.

Ramblings

I have spent all day in bed.
Not that I'm complaining. These past few years I've had little time to rest, between two years of college, two jobs last summer, a summer class and a part time job this summer (a job which I had throughout most of my sophomore year in addition to school), in addition to suffering mono and chronic poor health most of my freshman year. So now that I have plenty of time to rest, I am going to take full advantage of it, before life picks up again.
We all need our breaks now and again.

Since I couldn't get much sleep (I never do when I am sick, and the times I am asleep, it's usually because I passed oit for sheer exhaustion), I laid here in bed all day with my mountain of pillows and nest of blankets, the fan humming quietly, with the comfort of my books and laptop, feeling the edges of sleep pulling at me, but not quiet able to give it yet.

I wonder how Mom is doing. She won't be back from her trip until later this week. I miss her, but we've managed to email back and forth. She commented how she understands that it's my choice that I open up to my dad more then I open up to her, though I know that it hurts her. I don't think she realizes why I do it though, I love her so much and I strive to keep a positive relationship with her, but considering her reaction to my sexuality, how would she react to my spiritual choices? How can I talk to her about relationships? How can I lend her my opinion on things without telling her things she may not want to hear? (Though fortunately, on most subjects of politics, she and I tend to be on the same page) Usually whenever I visit her, and especially so when other family members are around, I just take the "sit down and talk as little as you can" approach. Be invisible as you can. I love my family, even if some of them doubt it, and so I hide myself from them in order to keep a civil relationship with them, instead of just being myself and causing heartache and drama.

I wish I had a family that could see and accept me as I am.

Actually, I have no need to wish for that. While that particular family may not know me, I do have family that does. My dad, for instance, a man who let his wife verbally abuse me in her drunken moments, turned out to be the father I need in this point in my life. I used to hate him, but I realize now that he has grown just as much as I have. I guess when people have children, the children aren't the only ones to grow up. The parents have to grow up too.

My friends, Z, Darren, Sony, Darlene, Lara, (among others) are like family to me, and closer to me then any family I've ever had.

Okay, enough angst. ^_^ Time for food. I havent eaten all day.

3am catfood run

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

(in other words: don't get attached to things in hopes of their permanence. Instead, enjoy them while they last)

Anyways, today was a pretty good one, an enjoyable one at least. Work went by quietly, and I didn't get anywhere near becoming anxious, exasperated, or frustraited. Its amazing what drugs and a new perspective will do for you. A low dose of the anxiety meds gets me in the right mindset, and the perspective keeps me in that mindset.

I didn't go to game, and I don't think I will until my schedule changes so I can have the day off to go play. Otherwise I just end up sitting and watching the scenes unfold. Actually, it was rather fortunate that I skipped out on game. I got home and chilled for a while, and about an hour later Lena showed up to visit. She is so funny, a fucking riot. It wasn't too long before we retreated to Z's room and good old fashioned fun ensued. (And damn, did we all need it.)
Our room mate Darren is pissed as all hell afterwards, as he always is. His problem, not ours, but it does suck trying to tiptoe around him out of consideration for his feelings. Still, other then that, he is a pretty awesome room mate, definately one of the best I've had. He'll blow over in a few days.

And then Z and I went on a 3 AM catfood run.

Though I haven't seen her in a while, I did manage to have a good online chat with Sony, my bestest of friends. There's a bellydance thing at the market this weekend, and she wants me to join. I think I'm going to be doing a solo to Minor Swing, as well as a duet with Sony to some song I've never heard of. We also talked about getting spider tattoos together, because spiders rock, and because they are a symbol of free will, choice, and the responsibility of our choices (in other words, we all weave our own web through the choices we make). I am going to miss her insanely when she leaves.

I have most of the week off, and intend on spending it sleeping, reading, and dancing for the market performance. It will be grand ^_^

It's past four am and my brain is too tired to write anything else. I'm going to go pop a migraine pill and have some dinner, and curl up with my Lilith Saintcrow novel. It's getting reallly good.

Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.

Economic frustrations.

The thing that sucks about being broke is that I find myself stuck in the apartment more than I can stand. My job is part time for the moment, so I find myself with too much time on my hands, and a lot of it is wasted in this depression of loneliness I've been dealing with. I've been eyeing a local yoga studio that offers yoga, meditation, and dance classes. I've been there before, for a few yoga classes, and I really enjoyed the atmosphere. I need to get out more, and The Studio is a pretty quiet and friendly place. It will hopefully get back into the habit of meditating more, something I love doing, always forget to do.
I have a love/hate relationship with yoga. I love the way I feel afterwards, but during I feel like a helpless unbalanced klutz. Compared to everyone around me, I feel overweight and awkward, yet I keep doing it because I love watching how I improve, I love how relaxed and happier I am afterwards.
The problem, as it stands, is money. They have a great deal on unlimited monthly classes, but it would take most of my weekly paycheck, which I can't afford to do, unless I feel like going without eating for a week or two. Damn my crappy part time low wage job! (Actually, I am very grateful to even have a job).
Not only are my paychecks small, money is tighter then usual now because of the economy. Me and my room mates are constantly borrowing money from each other more then usual now, and our monthly bills just came in. On top of that, I finally made an appointment next week for an oil change for my car, something I've been putting off since March. I also invited Z to go to the movies this Friday. He's even worse off finacially right now than I am, and he loves the movies. I hope treating him to one will cheer him up.
So:
Oil change - $50
This weeks bills - $20
Movies - $20
Total: $90
My paycheck will be about $120, so that leaves me with 30 for gas and food (a tight squeeze, but managable if I'm clever). I'll try to squeeze $15 of that to take a yoga class this week if I can. I need to get out of this damn apartment.
Sigh.
Fucking economy.
I could always just skip the movies with Z, but I've been wanting to catch a movie with him for the past couple of weeks now. It will make him happy (hopefully).