Best of luck to you, Mr. Bailey.

Rent was an incredible ordeal today, it sucked. Z is still out of town so I had to pay rent, but we had to open a joint account in our names so he could get his part of the rent to me. Then we ended up being $10 short, and I ended up having to borrow some from Chelsea.
Arrrrg.

Ryan emailed me again today, trying his best to drag as much drama out of this situation as he possibly can.
"As time has gone by it seems that there are to many difrences between our ethics and belifs, and you are not the type of person i would have as a freind, for youre sake i hope you find yourself someday and grow past this phase of yours but ive no interest in helping you along the way."
....yes, his spelling really is that bad.

That "phase" he is referring to is my submissiveness, something I've been ever since I was a kid. I tried to warn him that by bashing the S&M scene, he is insulting a lot of people who consider him a friend, who are good people, such as Darlene, Daniel, Ian, Matthias. His response:
"Yes, and my wisdom on these things stands, period."

That comment made me giggle. And not just a little burp of a giggle, but an actual laughing fit. He considers himself so "wise", yet I was the one who had to inform him what "vanilla" and "safeword" meant. People who call themselves "wise" usually are anything but. That's Ryan for you.

It felt good to laugh.

At one time I would have been frustraited or angered, but somehow I can't. Not even a little bit. All I can do is laugh. Seriously. The only person who has ever made me feel ashamed of who I am is back trying to make life difficult for me, insulting me, in the wake of a friend's death, and all I can do is try to suppress the insane little giggle that keeps on rising. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry, and in all honestly, I would rather laugh. The whole situation is rather ridiculous. He's bored, he's having personal troubles, and instead of facing himself, facing his own problems, he takes out his inner hatred on me.

It's funny how if you just stop, take a step back, and remember to breathe, a frustraiting situation suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore. Ryan's troubles are his own. Now that he has killed our friendship, hopefully this will give him an opportunity to face his own problems and sort out his own issues. And I hope he does, he has been displaying some disturbing psychological symptoms lately. I worry about him. Despite all the hell, I'll still worry. I always worry about those who I consider friends, even if they don't return the feelings. Sadly, Ryan made his choice, and the only thing I can do is respect his choice, even if he won't respect mine.

Does anyone else find it weird that we live in a culture where we are considered sane if we are open to the possiblity that we may be insane, and where we are considered insane if we refuse to admit that we are anything but sane?

Best of luck to you Ryan. You'll need it.