As The Summer Fades Away.

School starts in three weeks for me, so I've been reading like crazy, trying to enjoy the precious last few moments of free time before diving back into my studies. I bought "Confessions of A Crap Artist" by Phillip K Dick, and Hesse's "Siddartha". I'm still working my way through the Dante Valentine series, which is pretty nifty.

I haven't gotten as much reading done lately, but I have the next few days off, and tend to remedy this.

I decided over the summer I want to learn some basic Japanese and go to Japan in a few years to experience it. I feel so uncomfortable going to countries where I don't know the language, where I get in line behind all the other tourists, and feel as if there is a wall between me and the local culture. I loved going to France because I knew enough French to explore the streets, ask for directions, order a meal, shop in the stores, etc. I hated Italy because I didn't even know how to say hello, so I just followed the tourist groups everywhere, saw all the sights that the tourists are obliged to see, that are set up and preserved for the tourists, and I feel like I missed out on a great deal of culture.
So when I go to Japan, I want to go to Japan, I want to experience it. I want to get lost and eat at little local holes in the walls and crash at cheap motels and hostels, laugh with everyone around me, local and tourist alike.So I looked at the Japanese offerings at the University. It's a popular language to learn here, so the program is pretty good. I can't take any Japanese classes this fall because of my work schedule, but this spring I should be able to figure something out. As I was looking at the course listings, I found out that the Japanese department is offering a Zen Buddhism class, and only had one spot left.
How nifty is that? It is only one credit, and doesn't collide with my work schedule. I was giddy for the rest of the day.

Book Goodness

Another quiet day. Since I now have gas in my car, I could actually get out and drive around. I made my way to a local bookstore, and after browsing for a while, I found some graphic novels to put on hold, including.....{insert drumroll}........ the first two volumes of Antia Blake Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K Hamilton!
YAYYYYY!!!!!
I'll admit, I am a LK Hamilton fan. She has been on of my favorite indulgences since my senior year of high school. I'm so glad they're doing comics of her works. Granted, I am not under any dilusions, her work is certainly not outstanding, it is hit or miss at best, but I love the characters, and theres a familiarity I get when reading her novels that I don't get from other books. And yes, like many paranormal novels these days, there is sex involved, but I love the fact that there is no manipulation or lies about it. The sex is just sex, and not full of prose usually found in dimestore romance trash, and niether is the sex confused with love (unless Anita happens be with someone she truely cares about). I have a whole soapbox rant about people who confuse sex for love. But that is for another time. I do hope that in the future, Hamilton will write more about Anita's necromancy, or more police cases. The last book, The Harlequin, had a plot the revolved entirely around vampire politics, which gets old after a while.

I eagarly await my paycheck so I can pick them up and spend all day tomorrow in wonderful nerdy goodness.

I logged onto blogger today and found out my entire list of blogs had disappeared, probably because I changed the blogs address to dreamingtangerine. So I spent an hour searching through google and blogspot trying to locate my favorite blogs, as well as dicovering a few new ones. I also added blogs involving comics (because I am a part time nerd), and transgender folks. I am not transgendered, but I am a huge advocate for transexual rights. The rest of my blogs pretty much revolve around Buddhism, feminisim, philosophy or politics. Check them out and enjoy.

Dinner with Dad and the search for truth

I finally saw my dad today. It was good to see him. We went to dinner at a local diner as he told me about his trip. He had a good time, he found Southern Idaho particularly beautiful.
I really missed him, he is one of the few people I can talk to and not have to hold anything back or censor myself, in fear of offending him. We talked about science and religion. I told him about my studies in Buddhism and how much I enjoyed it. The thing I love my dad is that he is pretty accepting of people, even ones who are different then him, unless he sees their actions as potentionally harmful, and even then his definition of "harmful" is pretty extreme stuff. He is the onewho taught me to look at things at various perspectives and viewpoints. My love of playing devil's advocate stems from that.
The only problem with playing devil's advocate and being able to look at things at multiple and oppsing points of view is that, at the end of the day, you become unsure of what you believe, and without convictions and beliefs, it is hard to find a point of view you agree with because it is possible to agree with different aspects of two or three opposing points of view, which leads to contradiction and confusion. Eventually, you have to decide what you believe, or else you can't form an identity. This doesn't mean you should stop looking at and exploring different perspectives. To stick passionately and strictly to one side while completely disregarding and demeaning all other sides and possibilities leads to narrow mindedness (see religious fanatics).

It took me a long time for me to decide on what I believe in regards to religion, morality, politics, and life in general. I really didn't have much of an identity until my senior year of high school. I started by figuring out the things I knew I didn't believe:

- I didn't believe a lot of things the evangelical Christians tried to portray as reality, Such as the creation story as fact, their complete disregard for science, the fact that a man can beat his wife, and if she files for divorce, she is in as much sin as he is, if not more (this one actually comes from a youth group who tried to convince me this was true. My mother heard this and was furious, and only went to the youth group once or twice after that.), and the severe sexism found in the bible. One thing I am grateful for is that I when I left the religion to seek truth, I did so without bearing any grudges or ill-will against Christianity. Honestly. I see so many people who leave the faith resentful and angry, and hate all Christians because of it. It is sad to see such people, because I meet a lot of good people in the Chrisitian faith, loving and peaceful people for which the word of Jesus worked for them (such as my sister Amanda and her family). I also met a lot of people who ignored Jesus's teachings on love, kindness, and non-judgement, or only followed such teachings towards those they "approved" of. It is partially because of them that I left to seek the truth on my own. I often have to remind myself that there are angels and assholes in every religion. So, I left that religion to find one I could agree with.

- I didn't believe that the government should make decisions for women in regards to reproductive choices. Nor should the "rights" of a fetus take precidence over the rights of the woman carrying it. So I became pro-choice.

- I didn't believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, transgendered should be treated as second class citizens. So I became an advocate of equal rights, gay marriage.

These opinions eventually paved the way for feminisim, reproductive rights, equal rights, moderate liberal political beliefs, and Buddhism.

I still like to consider differing points of view, but now I know what I believe as well, and its is a part of who I am.


When I got home tonight, Darren was apparently not talking to Z or me, gods know why. Maybe he's still peeved about a couple of nights ago, maybe he is lonely and wants the attention, or wants to be left alone. I'm sitting in his room with him watching Star Trek (yes, we are nerds.) If he really wants to be left alone, he can tell me to leave, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind either way. It's just Darren being Darren. Either way, I consider him a good friend, and try to be there for him.

And.... I have strawberry cheesecake! Nothing shall destroy my joy when strawberry cheesecake is involved! Nothing!
Yum.

Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.