School looms ahead...

I'm starting to get into school mode.

My classes for this semester are:
- Math (my last one)
- English (also my last one, and a web class as well)
- Computer Science
- Chemistry
- Chemistry Lab
- Japanese I (probably going to be dropped within the first week)
- Zen Buddhism


18 credits in all, and I still plan on keeping my job. Am I insane? I'm beginning to think so.

My dad and I had lunch today. He had to go grocery shopping, so we picked up a bite to eat at the deli and some coffee. He even bought me a type of lotion my doctor recommended I wear to help prevent skin cancer (I'm pretty high risk) and handed me gas money. What a sweet guy.

Afterwards I met up with my mom. I haven't seen her in ages, a month maybe? She wanted to buy me school clothes. The store was having a 50% off sale for school, and I bought a ton of comfy t-shirts, a camosol, and awesome panties. Who doesn't love panties? My style in shirts has always been pretty simple: solid colors, usually black, dark purple, or dark red, (but also pink, green or blue if they're comfy enough.) I rarely buy any kind of pattern shirt unless its cute, funny, or comfy. It's also cheap, all of my shirts today costs $16 or less.

Then came the hard part: bra shopping. I hate bra shopping with a passion. I never find one that fits, and when I do, its usually $60 to $90 bucks. Ouch. My bra size is 34H, which is unusual because its a large bust and tiny waist, so finding a good bra is damn near impossible. Fortunately Lena, who also shares my woe, told me of a great local boutique that specializes in larger bras, and will even special order. The lady who fitted me was awesome, and told me of some great companies that carry my size (Fantasie and Freya). I was sooo excited, this is the first time I've gone bra shopping without ending up in tears afterwards due to frustraition. I now own three bras that actually fit me. I think I'll ask for one every christmas/birthday, after a while I may even end up with a decent wardrobe.
I also bought a laundry basket, which I know sounds weird, but I've been wanting a smaller one for ages. My old one is clunky and huge, and my room is so small that it takes up too much space. Yay for unexciting yet necessary things.

I talked to Dad about opening up a CD account. I have about $3000 coming my way soon, and I want to sit on it for a while and let it grow. He's good with financial stuff like that.

I can't wait for school, I find myself craving to study, to learn. I love learning, I've never been one of those students who hates school. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive. Next week I'm going to get my text books and supplies, I hope it won't cost too much. Fortunately I have two of the text books from previous semesters.

Friday

I woke up early (for me) after a late night full of caffine-induced insomnia. I can pull off getting by on four hours a sleep only on occasion, and today was not one of them.

I had lunch with Dad at our favorite eating spot, talking about good books we've read or want to read. Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, Odd Thomas, works by Philip K Dick, Chuck Palahniuk, everything else.

Afterwards I visted my Shawn, the husband of my old room mate, to give my car its desperately needed oil change. He pulled the dipstick out twice, looking confused and even amused. "There's no oil on the stick." He pointed out.
Loooooong overdue.

I picked Z up during his split shift break. We crashed at Darlene's for pizza and conversation, and after he got off shift, we went back to hang out Darlene, Daniel, and Lena. It was grand fun, I love it when I have a chance to spend time with my friends. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

Now I am finally home, and the responsibilities of reality calls. Laundry to do, sleep to be had, work to go to.

Fortunately, I got the day off of work the day of the bellydance performance.
Unfortunately, now this means I actually have to practice. Oh well, I work better under stress. I'll try to make sure pictures will be posted.

Dinner with Dad and the search for truth

I finally saw my dad today. It was good to see him. We went to dinner at a local diner as he told me about his trip. He had a good time, he found Southern Idaho particularly beautiful.
I really missed him, he is one of the few people I can talk to and not have to hold anything back or censor myself, in fear of offending him. We talked about science and religion. I told him about my studies in Buddhism and how much I enjoyed it. The thing I love my dad is that he is pretty accepting of people, even ones who are different then him, unless he sees their actions as potentionally harmful, and even then his definition of "harmful" is pretty extreme stuff. He is the onewho taught me to look at things at various perspectives and viewpoints. My love of playing devil's advocate stems from that.
The only problem with playing devil's advocate and being able to look at things at multiple and oppsing points of view is that, at the end of the day, you become unsure of what you believe, and without convictions and beliefs, it is hard to find a point of view you agree with because it is possible to agree with different aspects of two or three opposing points of view, which leads to contradiction and confusion. Eventually, you have to decide what you believe, or else you can't form an identity. This doesn't mean you should stop looking at and exploring different perspectives. To stick passionately and strictly to one side while completely disregarding and demeaning all other sides and possibilities leads to narrow mindedness (see religious fanatics).

It took me a long time for me to decide on what I believe in regards to religion, morality, politics, and life in general. I really didn't have much of an identity until my senior year of high school. I started by figuring out the things I knew I didn't believe:

- I didn't believe a lot of things the evangelical Christians tried to portray as reality, Such as the creation story as fact, their complete disregard for science, the fact that a man can beat his wife, and if she files for divorce, she is in as much sin as he is, if not more (this one actually comes from a youth group who tried to convince me this was true. My mother heard this and was furious, and only went to the youth group once or twice after that.), and the severe sexism found in the bible. One thing I am grateful for is that I when I left the religion to seek truth, I did so without bearing any grudges or ill-will against Christianity. Honestly. I see so many people who leave the faith resentful and angry, and hate all Christians because of it. It is sad to see such people, because I meet a lot of good people in the Chrisitian faith, loving and peaceful people for which the word of Jesus worked for them (such as my sister Amanda and her family). I also met a lot of people who ignored Jesus's teachings on love, kindness, and non-judgement, or only followed such teachings towards those they "approved" of. It is partially because of them that I left to seek the truth on my own. I often have to remind myself that there are angels and assholes in every religion. So, I left that religion to find one I could agree with.

- I didn't believe that the government should make decisions for women in regards to reproductive choices. Nor should the "rights" of a fetus take precidence over the rights of the woman carrying it. So I became pro-choice.

- I didn't believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals, transgendered should be treated as second class citizens. So I became an advocate of equal rights, gay marriage.

These opinions eventually paved the way for feminisim, reproductive rights, equal rights, moderate liberal political beliefs, and Buddhism.

I still like to consider differing points of view, but now I know what I believe as well, and its is a part of who I am.


When I got home tonight, Darren was apparently not talking to Z or me, gods know why. Maybe he's still peeved about a couple of nights ago, maybe he is lonely and wants the attention, or wants to be left alone. I'm sitting in his room with him watching Star Trek (yes, we are nerds.) If he really wants to be left alone, he can tell me to leave, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind either way. It's just Darren being Darren. Either way, I consider him a good friend, and try to be there for him.

And.... I have strawberry cheesecake! Nothing shall destroy my joy when strawberry cheesecake is involved! Nothing!
Yum.

Ramblings

I have spent all day in bed.
Not that I'm complaining. These past few years I've had little time to rest, between two years of college, two jobs last summer, a summer class and a part time job this summer (a job which I had throughout most of my sophomore year in addition to school), in addition to suffering mono and chronic poor health most of my freshman year. So now that I have plenty of time to rest, I am going to take full advantage of it, before life picks up again.
We all need our breaks now and again.

Since I couldn't get much sleep (I never do when I am sick, and the times I am asleep, it's usually because I passed oit for sheer exhaustion), I laid here in bed all day with my mountain of pillows and nest of blankets, the fan humming quietly, with the comfort of my books and laptop, feeling the edges of sleep pulling at me, but not quiet able to give it yet.

I wonder how Mom is doing. She won't be back from her trip until later this week. I miss her, but we've managed to email back and forth. She commented how she understands that it's my choice that I open up to my dad more then I open up to her, though I know that it hurts her. I don't think she realizes why I do it though, I love her so much and I strive to keep a positive relationship with her, but considering her reaction to my sexuality, how would she react to my spiritual choices? How can I talk to her about relationships? How can I lend her my opinion on things without telling her things she may not want to hear? (Though fortunately, on most subjects of politics, she and I tend to be on the same page) Usually whenever I visit her, and especially so when other family members are around, I just take the "sit down and talk as little as you can" approach. Be invisible as you can. I love my family, even if some of them doubt it, and so I hide myself from them in order to keep a civil relationship with them, instead of just being myself and causing heartache and drama.

I wish I had a family that could see and accept me as I am.

Actually, I have no need to wish for that. While that particular family may not know me, I do have family that does. My dad, for instance, a man who let his wife verbally abuse me in her drunken moments, turned out to be the father I need in this point in my life. I used to hate him, but I realize now that he has grown just as much as I have. I guess when people have children, the children aren't the only ones to grow up. The parents have to grow up too.

My friends, Z, Darren, Sony, Darlene, Lara, (among others) are like family to me, and closer to me then any family I've ever had.

Okay, enough angst. ^_^ Time for food. I havent eaten all day.

sick

I'm getting sick, stuffy nose and slight chills and sweats mostly. Chicken noodle soup, tea, and oatmeal are my friends whenever I get sick, as my throat always suffers the worse. I really need to get my tonsiles removed, they're constantly enlarged anyways, and I think I am at a point in my life where they are doing more harm than good.

Sony couldn't make it tonight for bellydance, so tomorrow we shall dance! I can't wait.

I bought a book today. I found my missing $20, and it went towards oatmeal, yogurt, and a book, The Heart of Buddha's Teachings by Thich Nhat Hanh. I probably should have putit towards gas, but as soon as I opened it up, I couldn't resist. So far, it is a beautiful and straight forward intro to the Buddha's teachings.

I was beginning to get slightly worried because Iwas unable to reach my dad today. I hadn't heard from him in quite some time because he was away on a trip, but he had returned last thursday, and I hadn't heard from him. Serveral attempts to call him, even at his office, proved useless. Finally I got a hold of him this evening. It was good to hear his voice, I really missed him.

Baby Steps

Life is indeed a bumpy road.
But I'm making progress. The steps are small, so small that sometimes they becomed comepletely obscured by the overwhelming rush of reality.
But they still exist.
This depression has been persistant since feburary. Theres been a few highs and lows, but its not completely gone yet.

I am going back to the studio for yoga, damnit! Or dance, anything to get me moving. It will be hard, espcially since this week will be finacially harder then last week. My paycheck was only $103, of which $30 went towards gas, $20 of which went towards the movies that I really shouldn't have gone too, but I needed to get out of the house, and I wanted to spend time with Z. I bought a book and chai too. I had enough left to buy food, but I will have to borrow money from Dad. And reschedule the oil change. (again!)

We saw Wall E. It is the cutest movie I have ever seen. And it was good to spend time with Z. I miss him. He was the most stable realtionship I've ever been in, by far the best man I have ever been intimate with. I miss him terribly, leaving him is my biggest regret so far in my life, but I wasn't ready for a relationship that serious at that point in my life. I was stupid, but what's done is done, and I can't change the past, only hope for the future that we'll, at the very least, remain good friends. I miss him terribly though, and I would love to date him again, but I get the feeling he wants to move on, and I hope he lives a good life. Though it's hard at times, maybe because I live with him and the close proximity serves as a constant reminder of what I gave up because I wasn't ready. It's getting less and less painful, but I don't miss him any less. Just slowly accepting the fact there is nothing I can do, nor should do, in regards to me and him. I need to get my life together first, and he meet someone who sounds good for him. It's painful at times.

I've been reading more on Buddhism. My room mate lent me a book on Buddhism, its a good summary and introductory, so I bought another one today thats a little more indepth. I was surprised how much I had already believed.

My parents are still away. I never realized how much my weekly lunches with my dad helped me. I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't have anyone to talk to, I usually have my dad for that. I wish my mom and i were close enough to talk like that, but I doubt she would approve of my religion, my sexuality, my S/M lifestyle. She called me abnormal when I told her I was bisexual. My dad, on the other hand, laughed his head off. So I talk to dad about everythig, and have somewhat superficial conversations with Mom. I love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, but it means I have to hide a lot from her in order to maintain the peace.

I've decided to get back into the habit of meditating. I'm always in a better place in my life when I do.