And thus, a conclusion in which absolutely nothing is concluded

So after a while of fidgeting about it, I finally managed to ask him what exactly we were.
Conclusion: No idea.
Cool.
But at least I asked, and some of my questions did get answered. I like him, he likes me, we work well together, but with just enough differences to keep him hesitant. He has issues with a previous partner he needs to work out. I am a firm believer that a successful relationship take compromise, he didn't seem to agree, but maybe it is because compromise can mean different things. I didn't mean a compromise in character by any means, merely a compromise/readjusting in goals and plans. He rambled on for nearly an hour on things he needed to talk about. It was nice to listen. He also feels that I'm a good person, whereas he doesn't believe he is (or at least to my extent). I wonder how long it will take him to realize I am just as fucked up, I just learned to hide it better. That should be interesting.
He tends to look down the road and see all the possibilities where a relationship between him and me could go wrong. Looking down the road, I can see them too, but I'm not there yet. I am right here. And right here, in this moment, I can see myself in a relationship with him, and would like to be. Down the road, I won't be the same person I am now, just as I am a different person now then I was a few months ago. 'Everything is subject to change' (says Buddha), and humans are definitely no exception, we are constantly evolving throughout our lives, especially when we are young.

How do I say it?

I've never been one to find myself confused about relationships.
Honestly.

Or even hesitant, for that matter, which is a fairly unusual quirk for me; I'm a fairly hesitant person. On the chart of spiral dynamics, I tend to hang out in the "green" stage (kudos to any random reader who knows what that is.) In most situations, I am nearly has hesitant as Hamlet, without all the angst. But with relationships I tend to throw all caution to the wind and say "What the hell?" Why not? Who knows what psychological yarn balls of entangled delight and intrigue I will find? (Odd analogy, I know. Run with it). I've had some pretty damn good relationships because of it, Z in particular, and some really really really shitty ones.

It makes life interesting, to say the least.

But now I find myself attracted to a friend, and I know he's attracted to me as well, but there is a lot of hesitation there, on both sides. A big reason is due to professional reasons; He is an employee for a company I work for, and while for me this is just a passing job, for him this is his career. And the company has specific rules about inter-company relations, which we are breaking, thus risking his career.
But I'm quitting my job. This is my last week. I decided to quit because my school was falling behind, and my anxiety was raising, severely. But as soon as I've worked my last shift, anything he and I do will be perfectly kosher. It hit me a few days ago: Once I'm done, where does that leave us?

He's an amazing guy with awesome geeky interests. He's still in love with his ex. Ouch, nothing much I can do about that. I prefer someone who is more dominant. But what is cute is that he is actually putting effort into being more dominant. He'll spank and hit and bite and restrain me, knowing I like it. He prefers women who are a little more physically aggressive. And I find myself being a little more aggressive then my usual shy self when I'm around him.

And yet, when I try to talk about what I've been dying to talk about, I get shyer then I have ever found myself. What are we? Why are we hesitating? Does he want anything more, like a relationship, or would he prefer to leave things as is. What would his idea of a relationship entail, anyways? I am just a side trip on his journey to find The One?
Usually I have no problem with communicating like this, but for some reason I am facing difficulty. I really like this guy, and would love to pursue things further, but I don't want to pressure him into anything he is reluctant to go into. I just want him to be happy.

He seems happy enough when we're together. He's very physical, which makes me happy because I am a physical person as well. He's not afraid to cuddle or curl up while we watch movies. He'll kiss me at random times. We laugh and joke a lot.
Why do I hesitate?
We've only been doing this for about two months. I really don't want to fuck up this friendship by pushing for something he may not want.
I wanted to talk about it last time when I visited him last night, but we both fell asleep before I had much of a chance. I'm trying to attack this from a Buddhist standpoint, and just enjoy the moment, regardless of the uncertainty. But it's hard, humans don't like being uncertain.

School venting

I'm having a hard time keeping up with my classes, especially my online Technical Writing class. t is so insanely frustrating, the professor puts different assignments in different places. Style assignments are in this folder, reading assignments are in that folder, online class discussion posts are in this folder, and I can't even find the folder where writing assignment expectations is located. It sounds organized, but in reality it is not. I wish he would make a list of when things are due, instead of posting the due dates on each individual assignment, so now I have to look at through every folder, at every assignment, and hope I don't overlook anything, which I usually do.

I'm trying to find a way to improve my use of time (she claims, as she blogs at 3am while watching an old Deep Space 9 episode >.<), but its proving harder then expected. Fortunately my boss finally cut back my work hours, which means more time for school.

So, work for tomorrow:
* see math tutor about chapter 8.1-8.5
* review o-chem
* finish writing assignments
* start english portfolio
* review Japanese katakana a-so
* feed the snake. :)

...okay, so that last one is school related, but I've becomed so consumed by school that I fear I've been neglecting poor Khaliyah lately. I have a baby mouse in the freezer with her name on it, I'll feed her tomorrow. I've been considering using a small portion of my PFD and buying another ball python to put in with her. I wonder if she gets lonely.


I have been getting closer with a friend of mine, as I may have mentioned in one of my earlier postings. He has come to mean a lot to me, but I will admit fear. He seems to pursue an ideal of perfection, one that I fear I will not live up to. He worries too much that he cannot please me, that I will get bored of him, even though I doubt I would. Its rather ironic, because I find myself fearing holding the same fears. He's funny, smart, kind, and a geek. What more could a woman want?
I wish he wouldn't worry so much. We keep very quiet about it when we hang out, but there have been a few times, especially when he has had a few drinks, where he is much more talkative about the subject, which makes me feel uneasy, for while I don't doubt the honesty of his inebreated words, I would rather have such conversations while he is sober (he usually doesn't remember the conversations later on). He wants me, and yet he doesn't.

While I would like to further out relationship, more importantly I simply want him to be happy, whether it means I remain his friend, or our relationship evolves into something more. Just as long as he finds happiness.

Ramblings

I have spent all day in bed.
Not that I'm complaining. These past few years I've had little time to rest, between two years of college, two jobs last summer, a summer class and a part time job this summer (a job which I had throughout most of my sophomore year in addition to school), in addition to suffering mono and chronic poor health most of my freshman year. So now that I have plenty of time to rest, I am going to take full advantage of it, before life picks up again.
We all need our breaks now and again.

Since I couldn't get much sleep (I never do when I am sick, and the times I am asleep, it's usually because I passed oit for sheer exhaustion), I laid here in bed all day with my mountain of pillows and nest of blankets, the fan humming quietly, with the comfort of my books and laptop, feeling the edges of sleep pulling at me, but not quiet able to give it yet.

I wonder how Mom is doing. She won't be back from her trip until later this week. I miss her, but we've managed to email back and forth. She commented how she understands that it's my choice that I open up to my dad more then I open up to her, though I know that it hurts her. I don't think she realizes why I do it though, I love her so much and I strive to keep a positive relationship with her, but considering her reaction to my sexuality, how would she react to my spiritual choices? How can I talk to her about relationships? How can I lend her my opinion on things without telling her things she may not want to hear? (Though fortunately, on most subjects of politics, she and I tend to be on the same page) Usually whenever I visit her, and especially so when other family members are around, I just take the "sit down and talk as little as you can" approach. Be invisible as you can. I love my family, even if some of them doubt it, and so I hide myself from them in order to keep a civil relationship with them, instead of just being myself and causing heartache and drama.

I wish I had a family that could see and accept me as I am.

Actually, I have no need to wish for that. While that particular family may not know me, I do have family that does. My dad, for instance, a man who let his wife verbally abuse me in her drunken moments, turned out to be the father I need in this point in my life. I used to hate him, but I realize now that he has grown just as much as I have. I guess when people have children, the children aren't the only ones to grow up. The parents have to grow up too.

My friends, Z, Darren, Sony, Darlene, Lara, (among others) are like family to me, and closer to me then any family I've ever had.

Okay, enough angst. ^_^ Time for food. I havent eaten all day.

In The Beginning...

...well, actually, this isn't much of a beginning.
More like me picking up the pieces of a somewhat shattered life and trying to get my act together, which is harder then I thought it would be. Somehow I'm worse off this year then I was last year, and it frustraits me.
Last summer I was in a good relationship, I had a job that paid rent, groceries, and even enough left over for books. The job ended with me getting mono, which didn't really matter, school started soon after and I would have had to quit eventually. The relationship ended because I found myself spinning into an intense depression, and I broke it off, ruining the only healthy relationship I've ever been in.
My current job I don't really mind, the people I work with are nice enough, but the hours are few and the pay is minimal, which results in me relying on my parents again, something that is a constant scource of guilt for me. I moved out two years ago, and I am more finacially dependant on them then ever. I just got out of the worse relationship of my life, barely escaping with my sanity.
Maybe I'm in the backwards step in the "two steps forward, one step back" path of life, but it is still rather frustraiting.
I'm making a little progress, and lots of plans for progress.
Come monday I'll make an appointment for pharm tech training. I've been putting it off too long. And an appointment for PTT for a potential job. (After I cancel my oil change appointment, due to lack of funds. Once again, it will rescehduled for next week. It will get done next week, it will get done next week, it WILL get done next week....le sigh. Fucking economic crisis.)
On the relationship front...well, nothing much. My contract with The Sadist ended on Thursday, and I'm debating on whether or not to renew it, for reasons I'll delve into later. I find myself missing Z, as I have every week since our end last Feburary. Nerds are the best companions.
Here goes my attempt to restart my life.
As they say, "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."