How do I say it?

I've never been one to find myself confused about relationships.
Honestly.

Or even hesitant, for that matter, which is a fairly unusual quirk for me; I'm a fairly hesitant person. On the chart of spiral dynamics, I tend to hang out in the "green" stage (kudos to any random reader who knows what that is.) In most situations, I am nearly has hesitant as Hamlet, without all the angst. But with relationships I tend to throw all caution to the wind and say "What the hell?" Why not? Who knows what psychological yarn balls of entangled delight and intrigue I will find? (Odd analogy, I know. Run with it). I've had some pretty damn good relationships because of it, Z in particular, and some really really really shitty ones.

It makes life interesting, to say the least.

But now I find myself attracted to a friend, and I know he's attracted to me as well, but there is a lot of hesitation there, on both sides. A big reason is due to professional reasons; He is an employee for a company I work for, and while for me this is just a passing job, for him this is his career. And the company has specific rules about inter-company relations, which we are breaking, thus risking his career.
But I'm quitting my job. This is my last week. I decided to quit because my school was falling behind, and my anxiety was raising, severely. But as soon as I've worked my last shift, anything he and I do will be perfectly kosher. It hit me a few days ago: Once I'm done, where does that leave us?

He's an amazing guy with awesome geeky interests. He's still in love with his ex. Ouch, nothing much I can do about that. I prefer someone who is more dominant. But what is cute is that he is actually putting effort into being more dominant. He'll spank and hit and bite and restrain me, knowing I like it. He prefers women who are a little more physically aggressive. And I find myself being a little more aggressive then my usual shy self when I'm around him.

And yet, when I try to talk about what I've been dying to talk about, I get shyer then I have ever found myself. What are we? Why are we hesitating? Does he want anything more, like a relationship, or would he prefer to leave things as is. What would his idea of a relationship entail, anyways? I am just a side trip on his journey to find The One?
Usually I have no problem with communicating like this, but for some reason I am facing difficulty. I really like this guy, and would love to pursue things further, but I don't want to pressure him into anything he is reluctant to go into. I just want him to be happy.

He seems happy enough when we're together. He's very physical, which makes me happy because I am a physical person as well. He's not afraid to cuddle or curl up while we watch movies. He'll kiss me at random times. We laugh and joke a lot.
Why do I hesitate?
We've only been doing this for about two months. I really don't want to fuck up this friendship by pushing for something he may not want.
I wanted to talk about it last time when I visited him last night, but we both fell asleep before I had much of a chance. I'm trying to attack this from a Buddhist standpoint, and just enjoy the moment, regardless of the uncertainty. But it's hard, humans don't like being uncertain.

I wonder....

2:17 AM.
As I log on, my Google account informs me that "pusillanimous" is a synonym for cowardly, Congress repealed the HIV travel ban, the importance of awareness, and that our waning cresent moon is 12% full.
Kudos for technology.

Work was peaceful enough, I finished closing up half an hour early, so I sat in the kitchen and read until it was time for me to clock out. Usually I would have just left, but lately I've been trying to stay the full shift, even when I'm finished, just for those few extra dollars that I can stretch until they cry.
That's me, financial sadist, dictator of frugality, pennypincher champion.
Until I see something shiney that I can't live without.
Then all hope is lost.

I stopped by Darlene's, feeling the need for a social life. Darren is still moody, and the amount of negative energy he expels can be terribly depressing at times. I try to be paitent, but it is trying at times. I wish he would act like an adult and talk about what is buggin him instead of glaring and giving silent treatments. At least he is talking now, I'm thankful for that.
I need to get out, either to the studio for yoga and dance, or some other hobby, anything. Someplace to escape when my own home is not a welcoming place.

I arrived home to my usual dinner of oatmeal and afterwards a nice long relaxing bath. I finished the second book in the Dante Valentine series, and started the third this evening. Afterwards I finally got around to rearranging my room. Its not perfect, but considering the tiny amount of space I have to cram a futon pad, two bookshelves, a set of plastic drawers, and the space-consuming papasan chair, it is better then the previous arrangement. I can open my closet door now :)
I think when I have some spare change, I'll buy a Buddha statue for the little makeshift alter I have on top of the smaller bookshelf. A daily reminder of the middle way he taught.


My navel piercing is angry. Meh. Of all my piercings, this is definately my least favorite, stupid finicky little thing.

At work today I found myself drifting off in thought a lot, especally during the slow periods. I wonder what life will be like without Sony for a whole year. I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself for leaving Z, I wonder if Darlene will change after she gets married, I wonder if I'll be fortunate enough to have coffee and tea with Christian again, I wonder if I'll be brave enough to jump at the opportunity of a better job, I wonder if I'll ever be owned by a dominant again.

Time for sleep.

3am catfood run

Turn your mind away from things which are not permanent. - Buddha

(in other words: don't get attached to things in hopes of their permanence. Instead, enjoy them while they last)

Anyways, today was a pretty good one, an enjoyable one at least. Work went by quietly, and I didn't get anywhere near becoming anxious, exasperated, or frustraited. Its amazing what drugs and a new perspective will do for you. A low dose of the anxiety meds gets me in the right mindset, and the perspective keeps me in that mindset.

I didn't go to game, and I don't think I will until my schedule changes so I can have the day off to go play. Otherwise I just end up sitting and watching the scenes unfold. Actually, it was rather fortunate that I skipped out on game. I got home and chilled for a while, and about an hour later Lena showed up to visit. She is so funny, a fucking riot. It wasn't too long before we retreated to Z's room and good old fashioned fun ensued. (And damn, did we all need it.)
Our room mate Darren is pissed as all hell afterwards, as he always is. His problem, not ours, but it does suck trying to tiptoe around him out of consideration for his feelings. Still, other then that, he is a pretty awesome room mate, definately one of the best I've had. He'll blow over in a few days.

And then Z and I went on a 3 AM catfood run.

Though I haven't seen her in a while, I did manage to have a good online chat with Sony, my bestest of friends. There's a bellydance thing at the market this weekend, and she wants me to join. I think I'm going to be doing a solo to Minor Swing, as well as a duet with Sony to some song I've never heard of. We also talked about getting spider tattoos together, because spiders rock, and because they are a symbol of free will, choice, and the responsibility of our choices (in other words, we all weave our own web through the choices we make). I am going to miss her insanely when she leaves.

I have most of the week off, and intend on spending it sleeping, reading, and dancing for the market performance. It will be grand ^_^

It's past four am and my brain is too tired to write anything else. I'm going to go pop a migraine pill and have some dinner, and curl up with my Lilith Saintcrow novel. It's getting reallly good.

In The Beginning...

...well, actually, this isn't much of a beginning.
More like me picking up the pieces of a somewhat shattered life and trying to get my act together, which is harder then I thought it would be. Somehow I'm worse off this year then I was last year, and it frustraits me.
Last summer I was in a good relationship, I had a job that paid rent, groceries, and even enough left over for books. The job ended with me getting mono, which didn't really matter, school started soon after and I would have had to quit eventually. The relationship ended because I found myself spinning into an intense depression, and I broke it off, ruining the only healthy relationship I've ever been in.
My current job I don't really mind, the people I work with are nice enough, but the hours are few and the pay is minimal, which results in me relying on my parents again, something that is a constant scource of guilt for me. I moved out two years ago, and I am more finacially dependant on them then ever. I just got out of the worse relationship of my life, barely escaping with my sanity.
Maybe I'm in the backwards step in the "two steps forward, one step back" path of life, but it is still rather frustraiting.
I'm making a little progress, and lots of plans for progress.
Come monday I'll make an appointment for pharm tech training. I've been putting it off too long. And an appointment for PTT for a potential job. (After I cancel my oil change appointment, due to lack of funds. Once again, it will rescehduled for next week. It will get done next week, it will get done next week, it WILL get done next week....le sigh. Fucking economic crisis.)
On the relationship front...well, nothing much. My contract with The Sadist ended on Thursday, and I'm debating on whether or not to renew it, for reasons I'll delve into later. I find myself missing Z, as I have every week since our end last Feburary. Nerds are the best companions.
Here goes my attempt to restart my life.
As they say, "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."