I wonder....

2:17 AM.
As I log on, my Google account informs me that "pusillanimous" is a synonym for cowardly, Congress repealed the HIV travel ban, the importance of awareness, and that our waning cresent moon is 12% full.
Kudos for technology.

Work was peaceful enough, I finished closing up half an hour early, so I sat in the kitchen and read until it was time for me to clock out. Usually I would have just left, but lately I've been trying to stay the full shift, even when I'm finished, just for those few extra dollars that I can stretch until they cry.
That's me, financial sadist, dictator of frugality, pennypincher champion.
Until I see something shiney that I can't live without.
Then all hope is lost.

I stopped by Darlene's, feeling the need for a social life. Darren is still moody, and the amount of negative energy he expels can be terribly depressing at times. I try to be paitent, but it is trying at times. I wish he would act like an adult and talk about what is buggin him instead of glaring and giving silent treatments. At least he is talking now, I'm thankful for that.
I need to get out, either to the studio for yoga and dance, or some other hobby, anything. Someplace to escape when my own home is not a welcoming place.

I arrived home to my usual dinner of oatmeal and afterwards a nice long relaxing bath. I finished the second book in the Dante Valentine series, and started the third this evening. Afterwards I finally got around to rearranging my room. Its not perfect, but considering the tiny amount of space I have to cram a futon pad, two bookshelves, a set of plastic drawers, and the space-consuming papasan chair, it is better then the previous arrangement. I can open my closet door now :)
I think when I have some spare change, I'll buy a Buddha statue for the little makeshift alter I have on top of the smaller bookshelf. A daily reminder of the middle way he taught.


My navel piercing is angry. Meh. Of all my piercings, this is definately my least favorite, stupid finicky little thing.

At work today I found myself drifting off in thought a lot, especally during the slow periods. I wonder what life will be like without Sony for a whole year. I wonder if I'll be able to forgive myself for leaving Z, I wonder if Darlene will change after she gets married, I wonder if I'll be fortunate enough to have coffee and tea with Christian again, I wonder if I'll be brave enough to jump at the opportunity of a better job, I wonder if I'll ever be owned by a dominant again.

Time for sleep.

i'm such an idiot

I have been really missing my dom lately, and have been very lonely. I've been wanting to hang out with him more, but its hard with his schedule. When he isn't working, he's sleeping or gaming. So I called him tonight wondering if we could hang out and discuss contract stuff (it had just expired and I was wondering if it would be renewed or not). He said he would call after game. He did call, a little before midnight, asking if I wanted to come over or not. I asked him if he wanted me to come over. His response: "I don't care if you do, I dont care if you don't." I said alright and told him I would drop by.

About 10 minutes after I got there, after he told me his plans for designing his room, he asked if I wanted to spend the night. I told him that it was his decision. He replied that it was not what he asked, so I said whichever was most convienient for him. He said that he didn't want anybody else sleeping in his room before it was finished.

Thats when I realized that I shouldn't have come to see him. In my overwhelming loneliness, I had missed all the signs, the signals he had dropped, (the fact he hadn't called me today like he said he would, and then the "I don't care" comment, his comment on how late it was and how tired he was, and then the lame excuse of no one sleeping in his room until it was finished.)

I was so incredibly embarrassed that I had come over anyways despite the fact he rather I hadn't stopped by. I just got up and left at that point, without saying anything, which in hindsight, was pretty rude. I cried on the drive home, and when I got home, calmed down enough to write him an apology email, explained that I wasn't mad, just embarassed.

Lately I've been feeling so unwanted by him, and I dont know what I did to make him not want me. I feel like i'm drowning in a sea of loneliness, and the person that I want most to please, whom I want to serve, to care for, to submit to, doesn't seem want me.