i'm such an idiot

I have been really missing my dom lately, and have been very lonely. I've been wanting to hang out with him more, but its hard with his schedule. When he isn't working, he's sleeping or gaming. So I called him tonight wondering if we could hang out and discuss contract stuff (it had just expired and I was wondering if it would be renewed or not). He said he would call after game. He did call, a little before midnight, asking if I wanted to come over or not. I asked him if he wanted me to come over. His response: "I don't care if you do, I dont care if you don't." I said alright and told him I would drop by.

About 10 minutes after I got there, after he told me his plans for designing his room, he asked if I wanted to spend the night. I told him that it was his decision. He replied that it was not what he asked, so I said whichever was most convienient for him. He said that he didn't want anybody else sleeping in his room before it was finished.

Thats when I realized that I shouldn't have come to see him. In my overwhelming loneliness, I had missed all the signs, the signals he had dropped, (the fact he hadn't called me today like he said he would, and then the "I don't care" comment, his comment on how late it was and how tired he was, and then the lame excuse of no one sleeping in his room until it was finished.)

I was so incredibly embarrassed that I had come over anyways despite the fact he rather I hadn't stopped by. I just got up and left at that point, without saying anything, which in hindsight, was pretty rude. I cried on the drive home, and when I got home, calmed down enough to write him an apology email, explained that I wasn't mad, just embarassed.

Lately I've been feeling so unwanted by him, and I dont know what I did to make him not want me. I feel like i'm drowning in a sea of loneliness, and the person that I want most to please, whom I want to serve, to care for, to submit to, doesn't seem want me.