Time to relax

I had another anxiety attack today before class. A small one, but hard enough. A small blessing, I suppose, as it reminded me to call Magellan when I get a chance.

So after a rather rewarding chemistry lab, I drove around town, ending up, as usual, at Flat Top. The city was gorgous, the sunset was various shades of ecstatic orange, and the night behind me was soft and gray. I loved it.
So I came home, and here I am, enjoying a very nice cup of tea and watching my favorite movie, Secretary. I love Lee Holloway, I have yet to find a movie I relate more to. The self-inflicted pain, the alcoholic father, Peter (the guy who dated her as a means to get what he wanted, not because he liked her), the overwhelming shyness, the natural submission, the need for dominance, even down to the damn orchids. Not mention the ending always makes me cry.
It's odd that I don't have this movie. I don't have any movies, (all I have is 3 seasons of Nip/Tuck) but I should buy this one, despite the fact I resent TV. I wish we didn't have one in the apartment.

I find myself longing for my place, a small little studio somewhere, someplace where I can just go home, relax, study, meditate, read, and not have to deal with room mates. There is nothing going on between us or anything, we all get a long great, but 4 people in a tiny 3 bedroom gets really cramped, and I am longing for alone time. I realized the other day I haven't any time alone in ages.

And thus, a conclusion in which absolutely nothing is concluded

So after a while of fidgeting about it, I finally managed to ask him what exactly we were.
Conclusion: No idea.
Cool.
But at least I asked, and some of my questions did get answered. I like him, he likes me, we work well together, but with just enough differences to keep him hesitant. He has issues with a previous partner he needs to work out. I am a firm believer that a successful relationship take compromise, he didn't seem to agree, but maybe it is because compromise can mean different things. I didn't mean a compromise in character by any means, merely a compromise/readjusting in goals and plans. He rambled on for nearly an hour on things he needed to talk about. It was nice to listen. He also feels that I'm a good person, whereas he doesn't believe he is (or at least to my extent). I wonder how long it will take him to realize I am just as fucked up, I just learned to hide it better. That should be interesting.
He tends to look down the road and see all the possibilities where a relationship between him and me could go wrong. Looking down the road, I can see them too, but I'm not there yet. I am right here. And right here, in this moment, I can see myself in a relationship with him, and would like to be. Down the road, I won't be the same person I am now, just as I am a different person now then I was a few months ago. 'Everything is subject to change' (says Buddha), and humans are definitely no exception, we are constantly evolving throughout our lives, especially when we are young.

Almost had it

I tried to ask him tonight, tried to get some clarification on how he felt about about him and me, what he wanted out of it.
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
But he looked scared when I said it, even downright uncomfortable, so I changed what I was going to ask to "Can I have some water?"

Smooth, eh?
Shush.
So I flaked, even if his scared look was half in jest (we have an odd sense of humor).
I'll ask him later. For now I guess I'll enjoy the ride and try not to let anything I do screw it up.
To bed for a few hours before class.

How do I say it?

I've never been one to find myself confused about relationships.
Honestly.

Or even hesitant, for that matter, which is a fairly unusual quirk for me; I'm a fairly hesitant person. On the chart of spiral dynamics, I tend to hang out in the "green" stage (kudos to any random reader who knows what that is.) In most situations, I am nearly has hesitant as Hamlet, without all the angst. But with relationships I tend to throw all caution to the wind and say "What the hell?" Why not? Who knows what psychological yarn balls of entangled delight and intrigue I will find? (Odd analogy, I know. Run with it). I've had some pretty damn good relationships because of it, Z in particular, and some really really really shitty ones.

It makes life interesting, to say the least.

But now I find myself attracted to a friend, and I know he's attracted to me as well, but there is a lot of hesitation there, on both sides. A big reason is due to professional reasons; He is an employee for a company I work for, and while for me this is just a passing job, for him this is his career. And the company has specific rules about inter-company relations, which we are breaking, thus risking his career.
But I'm quitting my job. This is my last week. I decided to quit because my school was falling behind, and my anxiety was raising, severely. But as soon as I've worked my last shift, anything he and I do will be perfectly kosher. It hit me a few days ago: Once I'm done, where does that leave us?

He's an amazing guy with awesome geeky interests. He's still in love with his ex. Ouch, nothing much I can do about that. I prefer someone who is more dominant. But what is cute is that he is actually putting effort into being more dominant. He'll spank and hit and bite and restrain me, knowing I like it. He prefers women who are a little more physically aggressive. And I find myself being a little more aggressive then my usual shy self when I'm around him.

And yet, when I try to talk about what I've been dying to talk about, I get shyer then I have ever found myself. What are we? Why are we hesitating? Does he want anything more, like a relationship, or would he prefer to leave things as is. What would his idea of a relationship entail, anyways? I am just a side trip on his journey to find The One?
Usually I have no problem with communicating like this, but for some reason I am facing difficulty. I really like this guy, and would love to pursue things further, but I don't want to pressure him into anything he is reluctant to go into. I just want him to be happy.

He seems happy enough when we're together. He's very physical, which makes me happy because I am a physical person as well. He's not afraid to cuddle or curl up while we watch movies. He'll kiss me at random times. We laugh and joke a lot.
Why do I hesitate?
We've only been doing this for about two months. I really don't want to fuck up this friendship by pushing for something he may not want.
I wanted to talk about it last time when I visited him last night, but we both fell asleep before I had much of a chance. I'm trying to attack this from a Buddhist standpoint, and just enjoy the moment, regardless of the uncertainty. But it's hard, humans don't like being uncertain.

Baby Steps

I am taking steps to reduce my anxiety.
Small ones, but important ones.

I got sick Wednesday night, which resulted in me going to the student health office for a doctors appointment. I was told, the even though it was only a viral infection, due to my anxiety attack Sunday afternoon, I should take the day off, and not go to work the next day either.

Not working helped, a lot. I slept in. I got 12 hours of sleep, ate breakfast and then slept some more. No surprise, I had only gotten 16 total hours of sleep between Sunday night and Wednesday morning.

I dropped my stupid online class. The design of the class was poorly written, and it was causing more stress then is was worth. It is an easy class, but I kept missing assignments because they were in a different folder, or he would post them, then not inform us. I will not fail an easy class because the teacher isn't properly using the university's online web system. It isn't his fault entirely, I was at fault too, but he could have been more effective.

I feel better.

While at the doctors office, I told her of my missed cycle. She ran a pregnancy test, but, as expected, it was negative. I am on birth control, and after the incident an emergency contraceptive was administered 12 hours afterward, well within the time period for it to be most effective. The doctor told me that women under immense stress will often miss their periods but to the hormonal imbalance stress causes.

That's right. I am so stressed right now, my body won't even menstruate. Cute.

But I'm feeling better. Looking over the post I wrote about my anxiety attack, I was shocked to realize that I only wrote about half of the actual things that I've been stressed about. No wonder I had an attack.

Palin: Pro-Rape

I post this because I lived in Wasilla under Palin. Because Palin's pro-life stance is so extreme, it is no longer pro-life, it is pro-rape. Because I am a woman who lives in a state with one of the highest rape rate per capita. Because my sister in law was just raped. Because no woman should be charged $1200 after enduring a brutal rape. (Thank goodness Knowles got rid of that law.)September 15, 2008
Life begins at rape... ask Mayor Sarah Palin
By Shannyn Moore
Can you imagine having to pay for the CSI (crime scene investigation-fingerprinting, photography, etc) if your home was robbed? What if a bill came for the breathalyzer tests if you'd been hit by a drunk driver? When Sarah Palin was mayor, the city of Wasilla had the most egregious policy against victims of rape in the state of Alaska, possibly the entire country. The rape kit, a set of items used by medical personnel for gathering and preserving physical evidence following a sexual assault, was charged to the victim. (note: step 6)
I sat with a rape victim during the "harvesting of evidence". Mascara smeared eyes stared blankly out from a cave of shame. "We've got swimmers," announced the forensic tech in the lab next door. My friend didn't look surprised. In her 60's, she was still asked if she felt the need for emergency contraception. Surviving the process would have only been compounded and made worse with an itemized bill; victimized twice courtesy of Sarah Palin and the city of Wasilla.
Much can be learned about the Palin Administration's family values from reviewing their spending priorities. Former Chief of Police Irl Stambaugh included forensic rape kits (up to $1,200 per kit) in his budget requests. He was fired by Palin in 1997. In her termination letter, Palin wrote, "…I do not feel I have your full support in my efforts to govern the city of Wasilla. Therefore I intend to terminate your employment. . . " Staumbaugh headed the police department since it was created in 1993. Before that, he served 22 years with the Anchorage Police Department rising to the rank of captain. Sarah Palin hired Charlie Fannon as the new Wasilla Chief of Police and said it was one of her best decisions as mayor. Fannon eliminated the forensic rape kits from the budget. Though the number of rapes weren't reported, Fannon claimed it would save Wasilla taxpayers $5,000 to $14,000 a year.
When Eric Croft, a Democrat Legislator from Anchorage, learned of Wasilla's policy, he drafted HB 270, which Governor Tony Knowles signed into law. The new law made it illegal for any law enforcement agency to bill victims or victims' insurance companies for the costs of examinations to collect evidence of a sexual assault or determine if a sexual assault actually occurred. Upon signing the law, Governor Knowles said, "We would never bill the victim of a burglary for the cost of gathering evidence, nor should we bill rape victims just because the crime scene happens to be their bodies."
Wasilla Police Chief Fannon protested the new law stating it would require the city and communities to come up with more funds to cover the costs of the forensic exams. Really? Are the true costs of sexual assault and forcible rape in a community only measured and reflected in the dollars spent on the forensic rape kit?
Alaska has the nation's highest per-capita rate of forcible rape. A disproportionate number of rape and sexual assault victims are Native Alaskan women. Alaska Native people in Anchorage were 9.7 times more likely to be sexually assaulted than others living in the city between 2000 and 2003. Alaska crime statistics never seemed to make a "Northern Exposure" episode. But this isn't about statistics-real lives were affected by Palin's regressive policies. One thing Alaska can't seem to export is the fundamental information around a woman's rights. Alaska "liberalized" abortion laws before Roe v. Wade. Our dirty secret had to do with a woman's right to be safe from rapists. This right to choose was not only threatened, but abolished with Sarah Palin's archaic policy as Mayor of Wasilla. The rape kit included emergency contraception. To be sure, emergency contraception is not, nor does it cause an abortion. In fact, ec prevents pregnancy and therefore reduces abortions.
Under Palin's Administration, "Life Begins at Rape" for women unable to pay for their forensic evidence gathering. Justice is served to women who can afford it and denied for those who can't. I live in Alaska-the wealthiest of the 50 states! Forcing rape victims to pay for their own forensic rape kits is something one would expect to find in a fundamentalist country overseas. I have outrage fatigue. I can't decide which facet of this policy is more upsetting. Is it the denial of justice for the poor? Is it the punishment of women who had been raped? Is it the political policies of a woman so entrenched in the "Pro-Life" movement she would deny justice to a victim? This is not a "Pro-Life" policy. This is a "Pro-Rapist" policy, and forced pregnancy policy.
It should be noted Joe Biden introduced legislation to fund rape kits to women in America. John McCain voted against it.
When Sarah Palin was elected Alaska's first female governor, I hoped these issues would be addressed as part of her "historic" platform. When Amnesty International published their study on rape statistics and Alaskan women, the response was pathetic. The now dismissed Commissioner of Public Safety, Walt Monegan, acknowledged the lack of law enforcement in Alaska as part of the problem. Since that time, Walt Monegan has been fired and $2.5 million dollars threatened from the budget for State Troopers. John Cyr is executive director of the Public Safety Employees Association, and has been very critical of the Palin administration's commitment to keep Alaskan's safer.
Under the Palin Administration, a law was passed that specifically deals with rapists. I am not making this up. It is now illegal for Alaskans to buy or sell the "Rapist No. 1" doll. Oh, you haven't heard of it? It's an "action figure" from Quentin Tarantino's film "Grindhouse." Yes, really. So now if you're raped, you can take comfort in knowing Alaska outlawed an action figure.
For all the Alaskans who have taken the charge to protect fellow citizens from predators, this was A GIANT WASTE OF TIME. It's embarrassing to write this. Who in the hell has been prosecuted for this "outrageous" purchase. Did she think people in Alaska with the propensity to rape women were suddenly dissuaded because they couldn't buy a movie action figure?
If Alaska's sexual assault statistics were true for the rest of the country, rape would be considered an epidemic and the National Guard would be called up. As Mayor and Governor, Sarah Palin has made justice illusive to criminals and forensics a commodity that victims must purchase. Meanwhile, rape prevention sits on the backburner. Being a rape victim isn't necessary for outrage. You don't need ovaries to protect the physical sanctity of fellow citizens. Life does not begin at rape, it just gets harder.

posted at http://alaskareport.com/news98/x61620_rape_palin.htm

Anxiety Attack

I had to leave work early yesterday because I had a really severe anxiety attack. I ended up going to the clinic at the hospital.

People ask me what triggered it. That's the thing, there is no one thing that triggered it, but many small things. I am feeling pressure and facing problems from all sides of my life, every aspect.


....work has been killing me lately I've been trying to get more time off and it hasn't been working and there is a new coworker I have to deal with who is a real dick and actually had the nerve to put up a picture of himself surrounded by several scantly clad women and I was just appalled by the nerve of him and how sexist he was and I am too exhausted after work to study when I come home so i just crash in front of the computer and I am falling behind in my classes which I hate myself for so I typed my two weeks notice on saturday night because I need more time to focus on school and I feel back about having to quit my job because my parents work so hard to support me and its not fair to them because now they're going to have to spend more money to support me full time and

....breathe......

why did she have to go down to Texas in the middle of a freaking hurricane I was kinda owrried about her even though I figured she would be safe I still had that nagging "what if" running through my head and what will happen when the rest of my famliy finds out I am Buddhist its not really a big secret and they're are bound to find out sooner or later especially since I hope to one day become ordained and then what will they say my mom will be so stressed because she tries so hard to keep the peace in the family and this will definately disrupt that hard-earned peace

....breathe....

there is guy I really like and I know he has feelings for me too but he is so hesitant about jumping into anything for different reasons and I was stupid and told him I didnt ever really want kids because I didn't want him to see me as just a walking uterus who is only good for popping out kids and even though actually I wouldn't mind having a kid of my own and there was an incident earlier this month and now I can't help wondering if an accident could have happened even though I am on birth control and took a Plan B the morning after and I know I am probably over reacting but still I can't help but worry and all I want is for him to just be him happy well I would like to date him but I don't want to pressure him into anything if he is reluctant or hesistant so I just want him to be happy I want to make him happy but what if we did get into something and I fail him like I've failed in my previous relationships and

...breathe....

and what am I going to do after school I would like to do something with Volunteers for Peace and Doctors Without Borders as well but what if I spend all this time trying to get my degree and I find out that I am not good at it and then it is all that time and money wasted and I want to become an ordained Buddhist but when will I find the time and who would teach a wreck like me and with all this anxiety I am a lousy Buddhist

...breathe.....

...breathe.....

...breathe................

Polar Bears

A piece written by my favorite feminists, Eve Ensler. It reflects my feelings perfectly in regards to Sarah Palin, my state's governor.


I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

School venting

I'm having a hard time keeping up with my classes, especially my online Technical Writing class. t is so insanely frustrating, the professor puts different assignments in different places. Style assignments are in this folder, reading assignments are in that folder, online class discussion posts are in this folder, and I can't even find the folder where writing assignment expectations is located. It sounds organized, but in reality it is not. I wish he would make a list of when things are due, instead of posting the due dates on each individual assignment, so now I have to look at through every folder, at every assignment, and hope I don't overlook anything, which I usually do.

I'm trying to find a way to improve my use of time (she claims, as she blogs at 3am while watching an old Deep Space 9 episode >.<), but its proving harder then expected. Fortunately my boss finally cut back my work hours, which means more time for school.

So, work for tomorrow:
* see math tutor about chapter 8.1-8.5
* review o-chem
* finish writing assignments
* start english portfolio
* review Japanese katakana a-so
* feed the snake. :)

...okay, so that last one is school related, but I've becomed so consumed by school that I fear I've been neglecting poor Khaliyah lately. I have a baby mouse in the freezer with her name on it, I'll feed her tomorrow. I've been considering using a small portion of my PFD and buying another ball python to put in with her. I wonder if she gets lonely.


I have been getting closer with a friend of mine, as I may have mentioned in one of my earlier postings. He has come to mean a lot to me, but I will admit fear. He seems to pursue an ideal of perfection, one that I fear I will not live up to. He worries too much that he cannot please me, that I will get bored of him, even though I doubt I would. Its rather ironic, because I find myself fearing holding the same fears. He's funny, smart, kind, and a geek. What more could a woman want?
I wish he wouldn't worry so much. We keep very quiet about it when we hang out, but there have been a few times, especially when he has had a few drinks, where he is much more talkative about the subject, which makes me feel uneasy, for while I don't doubt the honesty of his inebreated words, I would rather have such conversations while he is sober (he usually doesn't remember the conversations later on). He wants me, and yet he doesn't.

While I would like to further out relationship, more importantly I simply want him to be happy, whether it means I remain his friend, or our relationship evolves into something more. Just as long as he finds happiness.

Pre-bed Blogging

Lately life has been....well life just is.
School has been keeping me really busy, I've had a few slight slip-ups (forgetting a text book or a homework), but fortunately it is nothing too big and I'm doing pretty good so far.
My favorite class so far is definitely the Zen Buddhism class, taught by the Soto Priest of our local zen community. I'm learning so much, and our homework is 10 minutes of zazen every night. Nifty, eh?
Money has been very tight lately, and our rent is going to be late this month, it will be paid this Friday for sure, but with an annoying late fee which should add $75.
Darren is going through a hard time because his online PFD application didn't go through, so not only is he not getting his PFD, but he won't get his energy relief check either. Poor guy. I feel sorry for him, and I have a feeling he'll be moving out of state to join his family in a few months. I hope he doesn't though, I enjoy living with him and Zach.
Time for sleep. I'll blog more when I'm more awake.