And so the Insanity Begins....

School started yesterday, and already I am exhausted.
Monday morning started wiuth Japanese, a fun class with an interesting teacher. Because of my heavy credit load, I've decided to audit this class and take it again next semester for credit. Right now I've busy studying 15 of the hiragana symbols. I find it very interesting.

After that is Computer Information Systems. I wish I had taken this class earlier in my school career, it looks like its going to be pretty easy.

Then on to math. I admit, I am a bit weary about the math class, but I am determined to get through it.

After I got home, I jumped online and worked on my online course, technical writing. It was easy so far, but it looks like its going to be a heavy homework load.

Tonight its chemistry and the accompanying lab. I am nervous about the lab, I didn't buy the text book I need, so I am waiting for my dad to transfer money into my account to help me pay for it.

My best friend.

Saturday.
A week from today.
I am going to visit my best friend, Sony, at the fair.
And tell her how I feel. That she is the best friend a girl could ask for. That I love her. That I will miss her and cry when she does.
I dont want her to go. But I am happy she has such a wonderful opportunity.
Sonja fucking rocks. ^_^

Moonlight.

A little extra money came my way, so I now have something other then oatmeal to eat.

I also bought a card for my boss, hoping it will lift her spirits. She's having a really rough time right now.

And volume 2 of Sandman. I love that comic.

Tonight Darren and I walked to the grocery store. Usually we drive, but it was so nice out tonight we decided to walk. He pointed out a beautiful full moon, and we spent a few minutes just standing in the street, enjoying the night.

Time for dinner :)

Shoes and Zen

Well, actually, it wasn't that long at all. It was just really busy at work, busier then I like it to be. I'm getting better about my attitude during rushed and stressful situations, adjusting to it more, but it can still be overwhelming.
I'm thinking about applying for a student position at the university. There is one position that I've had my eye on for quite some time and now I think I will finally fill out the application tomorrow.

I just found out that the guy teaching my Zen Buddhism class is actually the head priest of the Soto Zen community here.
Cool.
I was looking at the website, and I think I may drag myself to a few of the early morning zazen sessions. My current goal is to do two a week during this semester. If I think I can handle more, I will, if it becomes too much, I'll ease up on it. They also have a few evening ones as well :) I never was much of an early bird.

My friend Lara isn't doing well at the moment, shes jobless, broke, and soon, homeless. I offered her my couch until she can get back on her feet. I adore the woman, she's one of the biggest dorks and always makes me smile. I hope life picks up for her.

I found some awesome shoes that I'm going to buy with tomorrow's paycheck. I love shoes, though I'm not one of insanely shoe-obsessed women. I have a pair of well-worn Burkinstocks, my shoes I wear to work, a pair of sneakers for working out it, two pairs of heels, and a pair of knee-high boots. The pair I'm buying tomorrow are comfy all-black converse. I always feel short when I wear all-stars because they have absolutely no heel, but they're so damn comfortable that I don't care. I'm also going to pick up a few more long sleeved t-shirts and some camis while they're still on sale. Huzzah for sales, the salvation of broke college students everywhere. I was going to pick up a bike lock this week too, but there's no rush, so next week's pay can easily cover it.

I want to get into something of a routine this semester. Aside from work, class, and study time, I'm going to try to make it to a few zazen sessions a week, and maybe even yoga at the studio, but if I can't do that, there's always yoga videos until I can afford to go back. And the college gym is free for me, so I might as well use it. I find myself yearning to get involved in life. I'll feel better once I'm in class and learning. I can't wait, even if this semester's classes aren't the most exciting, they will lead to more exciting classes.

School looms ahead...

I'm starting to get into school mode.

My classes for this semester are:
- Math (my last one)
- English (also my last one, and a web class as well)
- Computer Science
- Chemistry
- Chemistry Lab
- Japanese I (probably going to be dropped within the first week)
- Zen Buddhism


18 credits in all, and I still plan on keeping my job. Am I insane? I'm beginning to think so.

My dad and I had lunch today. He had to go grocery shopping, so we picked up a bite to eat at the deli and some coffee. He even bought me a type of lotion my doctor recommended I wear to help prevent skin cancer (I'm pretty high risk) and handed me gas money. What a sweet guy.

Afterwards I met up with my mom. I haven't seen her in ages, a month maybe? She wanted to buy me school clothes. The store was having a 50% off sale for school, and I bought a ton of comfy t-shirts, a camosol, and awesome panties. Who doesn't love panties? My style in shirts has always been pretty simple: solid colors, usually black, dark purple, or dark red, (but also pink, green or blue if they're comfy enough.) I rarely buy any kind of pattern shirt unless its cute, funny, or comfy. It's also cheap, all of my shirts today costs $16 or less.

Then came the hard part: bra shopping. I hate bra shopping with a passion. I never find one that fits, and when I do, its usually $60 to $90 bucks. Ouch. My bra size is 34H, which is unusual because its a large bust and tiny waist, so finding a good bra is damn near impossible. Fortunately Lena, who also shares my woe, told me of a great local boutique that specializes in larger bras, and will even special order. The lady who fitted me was awesome, and told me of some great companies that carry my size (Fantasie and Freya). I was sooo excited, this is the first time I've gone bra shopping without ending up in tears afterwards due to frustraition. I now own three bras that actually fit me. I think I'll ask for one every christmas/birthday, after a while I may even end up with a decent wardrobe.
I also bought a laundry basket, which I know sounds weird, but I've been wanting a smaller one for ages. My old one is clunky and huge, and my room is so small that it takes up too much space. Yay for unexciting yet necessary things.

I talked to Dad about opening up a CD account. I have about $3000 coming my way soon, and I want to sit on it for a while and let it grow. He's good with financial stuff like that.

I can't wait for school, I find myself craving to study, to learn. I love learning, I've never been one of those students who hates school. I just wish it wasn't so damn expensive. Next week I'm going to get my text books and supplies, I hope it won't cost too much. Fortunately I have two of the text books from previous semesters.

Thoughts before bed.

This past week I have been getting very close with a friend of mine. He is a dork, quite sweet, and over-all one of the coolest people I've ever met. We talk about the most random things, he doesn't seem to mind my klutziness or spastic ADD mind constantly jumping from one thought to the next. I love making new friends, being with friends I don't normally see, and getting to know them better.

It feels good to smile.

A Toast to the Path I Did Not Take

I like to walk in the park near my apartment. It has a few paved paths, but the real fun lies in the spiderweb labyrinth of narrow dirt trails that weave themselves through the woods. I'm always reminded of the painfully over-used Frost stanza, "Two paths diverged into the woods..."

And that, in turn, reminds me of the choices I did not make, the paths I passed by. My older sisters are all married, Jenny a month after her 20th birthday, Amanda at 22, and Carrie around the same age. The first two pop out children fast enough to make your head spin (They're all really cute kids though). My little sister is a devout Mormon who will undoubtedly go to Brigham Young University in search of her MRS degree.

I, on the other hand, inherited my father's intense need for travel, love of companionship, and slight fear of commitement. I could have followed my sisters. I could have married my high school sweetheart, saved up for a nice little house in suburbia, or go to college, meet a nice guy, spend $40,000 on a degree I would never use because I would be at home raising his kids. I don't have anything against people who marry, or have kids. It's just I was never one of those women who's biggest goal was a wedding. I would rather elope at city hall and spend the money on a kick-ass honeymoon roaming Nepal, getting lost in Japan, scuba diving in Austrailia, running with bulls in Pamplona, or visiting sex clubs in Amsterdam.

I have nothing against kids, honestly, I just plan on never giving birth to one. I would rather adopt, or if the guy already had kids from another relationship, spoil the hell out of them ^_^ Some people would have issues raising another person's kid, but honestly I would prefer it. There are so many kids in this world who need good parents, I cannot morally justify having my own kids when I know there are those out there who need a loving family. Being a stay at home mom was never on my list of life-goals. (Stay-at-home dads, on the other hand, are awesome. I couldn't find any on Craig's list though. Maybe the new models aren't out yet, Sweden bought all the last ones.)

A lot of people in my high school class got married/engaged in our senior year. That was their plan to mature, their only way out, their statement of adulthood. Life would be better for them, because they had a ring on their finger. While the logic is laughable, there is comfort in having a companion at your side as you stumble through life, especially the hard years of youn adulthood, years of crappy low paying jobs, living below poverty, getting into debt in the name of education. To have someone eases the stressfulness of starting out. I can understand that. The choices we make, the paths we choose, define us. I don't believe in a divine plan, and while most Buddhist believe in reincarnation, I can't guarantee that either. Why bother worrying about what-comes-next? Why not focus on what-is-now?

I could have had this:

Me and my high school sweetie, Stoner, with a kid. (Portrayed by the lovely Morgan Bacon, my awesome niece.)I could have had this. But I don't. It's not the path I chose.


Instead, so far, I've gotten this:


Late night, stressed-out, caffine-induced cramming for classes and finals



Bellydancing all summer long and perfecting my shimmy


Drunken room mates




Techni-colored hair



Amazing raves with beautiful music pulsing through the night


Alcohol-induced naughtiness


10 body piercings (and more modifications coming soon)


One snake, a cute baby ball python


Crazy, uber-dorky friends



Dancing until the sun came up



Beautiful submission.



A couple of driving mis-adventures (easily remedied by duct tape)



Interesting bruises.



World Travel. I've covered France, Italy, Monaco, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Russian, Estonia, Germany, Denmark, Canada so far.


Buddhism and spiritual discovery.


Quiet moments filled with peace and happiness. Times of sorrow and frustration, days of anxiety and fear, moments of joy, of contentment, of wonder.

*********************************

I will never be the type of person who says "I have no regrets." Of course I have regrets. I make mistakes, large and small, every single day and I've done stuff I'm not proud of. But that's how we learn, from both our successed and our failures. This is the path I choose, and it would be foolish of me not to enjoy traveling it.

As The Summer Fades Away.

School starts in three weeks for me, so I've been reading like crazy, trying to enjoy the precious last few moments of free time before diving back into my studies. I bought "Confessions of A Crap Artist" by Phillip K Dick, and Hesse's "Siddartha". I'm still working my way through the Dante Valentine series, which is pretty nifty.

I haven't gotten as much reading done lately, but I have the next few days off, and tend to remedy this.

I decided over the summer I want to learn some basic Japanese and go to Japan in a few years to experience it. I feel so uncomfortable going to countries where I don't know the language, where I get in line behind all the other tourists, and feel as if there is a wall between me and the local culture. I loved going to France because I knew enough French to explore the streets, ask for directions, order a meal, shop in the stores, etc. I hated Italy because I didn't even know how to say hello, so I just followed the tourist groups everywhere, saw all the sights that the tourists are obliged to see, that are set up and preserved for the tourists, and I feel like I missed out on a great deal of culture.
So when I go to Japan, I want to go to Japan, I want to experience it. I want to get lost and eat at little local holes in the walls and crash at cheap motels and hostels, laugh with everyone around me, local and tourist alike.So I looked at the Japanese offerings at the University. It's a popular language to learn here, so the program is pretty good. I can't take any Japanese classes this fall because of my work schedule, but this spring I should be able to figure something out. As I was looking at the course listings, I found out that the Japanese department is offering a Zen Buddhism class, and only had one spot left.
How nifty is that? It is only one credit, and doesn't collide with my work schedule. I was giddy for the rest of the day.

Best of luck to you, Mr. Bailey.

Rent was an incredible ordeal today, it sucked. Z is still out of town so I had to pay rent, but we had to open a joint account in our names so he could get his part of the rent to me. Then we ended up being $10 short, and I ended up having to borrow some from Chelsea.
Arrrrg.

Ryan emailed me again today, trying his best to drag as much drama out of this situation as he possibly can.
"As time has gone by it seems that there are to many difrences between our ethics and belifs, and you are not the type of person i would have as a freind, for youre sake i hope you find yourself someday and grow past this phase of yours but ive no interest in helping you along the way."
....yes, his spelling really is that bad.

That "phase" he is referring to is my submissiveness, something I've been ever since I was a kid. I tried to warn him that by bashing the S&M scene, he is insulting a lot of people who consider him a friend, who are good people, such as Darlene, Daniel, Ian, Matthias. His response:
"Yes, and my wisdom on these things stands, period."

That comment made me giggle. And not just a little burp of a giggle, but an actual laughing fit. He considers himself so "wise", yet I was the one who had to inform him what "vanilla" and "safeword" meant. People who call themselves "wise" usually are anything but. That's Ryan for you.

It felt good to laugh.

At one time I would have been frustraited or angered, but somehow I can't. Not even a little bit. All I can do is laugh. Seriously. The only person who has ever made me feel ashamed of who I am is back trying to make life difficult for me, insulting me, in the wake of a friend's death, and all I can do is try to suppress the insane little giggle that keeps on rising. If I didn't laugh, I'd probably cry, and in all honestly, I would rather laugh. The whole situation is rather ridiculous. He's bored, he's having personal troubles, and instead of facing himself, facing his own problems, he takes out his inner hatred on me.

It's funny how if you just stop, take a step back, and remember to breathe, a frustraiting situation suddenly doesn't seem so bad anymore. Ryan's troubles are his own. Now that he has killed our friendship, hopefully this will give him an opportunity to face his own problems and sort out his own issues. And I hope he does, he has been displaying some disturbing psychological symptoms lately. I worry about him. Despite all the hell, I'll still worry. I always worry about those who I consider friends, even if they don't return the feelings. Sadly, Ryan made his choice, and the only thing I can do is respect his choice, even if he won't respect mine.

Does anyone else find it weird that we live in a culture where we are considered sane if we are open to the possiblity that we may be insane, and where we are considered insane if we refuse to admit that we are anything but sane?

Best of luck to you Ryan. You'll need it.

Chocolate Ice Cream Therapy.

Today could have gone better.

Ryan is causing more trouble for me. My lifestyle has once again been declared degrading by him. Not only that, he considers people who are dominant (aka 'doms') as "cowards" and "bullies." Thats why he "no longer associates with those people anymore."
He's acting like a self-hating gay man, bashing others because he's afraid of facing himself.
I wish he would stop. I have made numerous attempts to be friends with him, forgiving him even when he showed no desire to apologise, and for a while, things seemed to be going okay. But, as usual, he found something to create drama over, and things have been shakey ever since.
I wish he would just, at the very least, tolerate and accept that some people have different tastes then he does. Some people are kinky, and that is okay. He is vanilla, and that's okay too, but it's no excuse to bash other people for their personal kinks which are healthy and legal.

People bashing the BDSM lifestyle is a very sensitive issue for me, I am very protective about my lifestyle and those in it. What makes it worse is his absolutely horrible timing. You see, a friend of mine, Jeff, has finally succomed to his liver cancer this morning. Jeff was a smart, witty, and honorable man, very intelligent, working on his doctorate, and a talented photographer. Jeff was also a dom, and it pains me that in the wake of his death, Ryan has the nerve to paint all dominants as cowards and bullies, for Jeff was neither. Jeff was more of a man then most males will ever be. While I will never deny that there are doms who are assholes, not all doms are. It is common knowledge that there are angels and assholes in every group of people. But most doms are decent people who simply have a domination fetish. Within the boundries of consent, domination/submission is healthy, fun, and legal.

Yet Ryan refuses to see this.

A long time ago, this would have had me seeing red. But now, I am so tired of Ryan's constant emotional masochism that all I can do is roll my eyes and laugh. That's the best anyone can do in the fact of drama, anyways, just shake your head and laugh at the bullshit. Life is too short for me to get caught up in his rediculous hatred, especially if he is going to so adamantly discriminate against those who aren't like him. (The irony is furthered by the fact that he prides himself in being a supporter of equality. This also makes me giggle.)

Work was long and kinda stressful. That, in addition to Jeff's death and Ryan's bullshit, called for chocolate ice cream therapy. I usually hate chocolate ice cream, but tonight I had an odd craving. I bought one of those cute tiny containers for $1.50. I can never eat more then one scoop anyways.


Onwards!....
I hung out with Jason last night, we watched The Eye and Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantonamo Bay. The Eye wasn't bad, it definately had some good scares, and the ending wasn't nearly as bad as the endings of the horror/suspense flicks I've seen lately. Harold and Kumar was funny, the silliness wouldn't stop. They faced idiot homeland security officers, prison guards demanding blow jobs, good old fashion Alabama incest, our president, an asshole politician, Neil Patrick Harris, Teaxan whores, and of course, lots and lots of weed. A silly movie, but not a stupid one. I was amused greatly. I stayed out too late though, and when I finally got home, I stumbled into bed and was dead to the world.

Christian eventually did call, albeit at 2am. We were supposed to hang out this evening, but that ended up being cancelled as he was sick. Later this week, hopefully. Poor Darlene is sick too. I stopped by to say hi to her, and watch a movie with Chelsea. I also borrowed The Animatrix and The Exorcist from Darlene. Right now I'm watching the Animatrix with Darren and the kitties. I've been watching too many movies lately, I'm getting behind on my reading.

It's almost 2 am. I need to crash now, tomorrow I work earlier then usual, but thankfully it's not a full shift.

One final thought...

Khaliyah fucking rocks. Yes, yes she does. Rocks more then you ever will (or me, for that matter.)

Our kitty eats plastic

Seriously.
Usually candy wrappers, especially of spicy candies. Silly kitty.

Christian never did call. I tried in the evening, but it went straight to voicemail. Oh well, perhaps another time. Since most of my friends are now out of town, I went through my list of contacts on my cell phone, looking for someone to hang out with. Jason said to call him when he got off of work at 10. I'm bored enough to scratch my eyes out.

I borrowed Darlene's camera and took some pictures of the park nearby. I couldn't figure out how to get it off of black and white mode until I got home. The shots still turned out fairly beautiful though, lots of textures.

Bookcase Buddha

These past few days have been eventful in their own subtle way.

I rearranged my room earlier this week. It actually turned out surprisingly well, the best arrangement I've done so far. I think I'll keep it this way, I actually have floor space now.

Yesterday I saw Dark Knight with Jason yesterday. It was freaking awesome, the nerd in me is soooo happy. I know everyone has said it, but it really is a shame that Heath Ledger is dead, that character was so beautifully done.

Today is Sony's birthday. I called her, but only got her voicemail. She is still out of town being a carney for Jamie. I wanted to buy her fire fans for her birthday, but they will have to wait. I have something else in mind until then.

I was only supposed to work for three hours today, but it was so crazy busy that I stayed for another three hours. It was pretty exhausting, especially since I didn't sleep well last night.

I collected my paycheck and went to the mall to pick up a little Buddha statue for my alter. A quick browse through the Pier 1 clearance rack turned up an awsome zen-style candle holder. It was only $7.48, down from $20. I love clearance. I noticed afterwards when I got home that it holds four candles, one for each Noble Truth.

Patty didn't in fact leave on the 26th, which he had originally planned. He leaves for grad school tomorrow, so after work I drove to his house and played Munchkin (the Munchkin Impossible version) with him and Thomas. I hugged and kissed him goodbye afterwards. I am going to miss him soooo freaking much. I'll see him for Christmas, I promised him we would have some alone time.

I stopped by Moose's place where Darlene and Daniel were playign Changeling. Darlene's daughter, Chelsea, flew into town tonight, which makes me happy. She is so freaking cute. A perky goth. She brings out my inner child. Paul also happened to be next door at Oni's, so I got to cuddle with him. He just moved close by, so I plan to visit him more often. He is one of the most cuddlable people I've ever met.

When I finally got home, around midnight, I found a huge box sitting on the porch with my name on it. A bookcase, from my dad. And not a cheap one either. Nice dark expresso-colored wood, two shelves, very elegantly designed. I was soooo excited when I saw it. I tried to call him to say thank you, but he didn't answer his cell. I set it up in the last remaining open space in my room, and set my alter up on the top of it. It is beautiful, Buddha looks very peaceful in the candle-light.

I called Christian today, asking him if we could have tea again. He laughed and said perhaps tomorrow, he would call. I need to figure out my schedule for next week in case tomorrow doesn't work. I need to know it by tomorrow anyways to figure out my plans for next week, I'm hoping to meet Mom for lunch or dinner, and see some friends when I have the time.

After relaxing bath, I split a pizza with Darren, and now we're watching Tin Man, a modernfantasy-style Wizard of Oz, and Kira is attacking a q-tip.