Uncertainty

Today has not been a good day. My anxiety has developed into full-fledged depression, and making it through today's classes has been a struggle. I didn't make it to math, which will only add to more anxiety, which will lead to further depression....and so it goes.

Last night with him was like a break-up in many ways. What we had was exactly what I wanted, something friendly and casual, with an opportunity to slowly grow into something more over time. I wanted to call it dating, to give it a name, so that I would know we were mutually in the same place, instead of just assuming we were.
I needed it to have a name, there was a small shred of uncertainty when it was unnamed, an uncertainty I was uncomfortable with, and wanted to fix. I had no idea it would lead to the mess it caused last night. I didn't realize that while I was busy falling for him, he had already labeled me as "just a friend." A friend he cared for, but just a friend none the less. That's what hurt the most, I think, because to me he is someone special and I thought I was someone special to him too. After all, he initiated the first kiss, he risked his career by being with me, he said he cared for me, so naturally I thought we had something worth pursuing. I just wanted to have whatever we were pursuing to have a name. I quit my job so his career would no longer be at risk, and so I could focus on school. But it turns out I am just a friend.
I never thought that by trying to name it, we would end up where we did last night. I wasn't trying to push him into anything serious, I just wanted to be certain of where I stood with you. I just didn't realized that I am just a friend to you. I don't want to share the fate of Tara and other women he cared about, but never dated. I like him too much.
He's kind, funny, smart. He is sarcastic, selfish yet unselfish at the same time. He makes me laugh. He has issues he needs to work through. He has great taste in music, movies, and books. He's great in bed. Not only does he want kids, he can financially and emotionally support them. I realized a while ago that's why I never really considered having children, because I never dated anyone who I could visualize as being financially/mentally/emotionally ready to support kids. But he is, and because of that, I can see having kids.
He says he needs time, time to get through his issues, to figure out what he wants in life. I just want to be there for him, to make him happy, to help him in any way that I can. I like being around him, I like the way he makes me feel. I like him, for all his fucked-upness.
And now what's said is said and done is done. I feel like I'm going to lose him, and that sense of loss is unbearable and frustrating.