As I look around me, it seems that everyone is searching for something.
We dedicate our lives to this search, looking for it in God, religion, music, relationships, sex, drugs, art, science.
Do we even know what we are looking for? I don't. I wondered for the longest time what it is, exactly, we search so diligently for, what it is that we fail to find, and end up waandering lost through life.
At frist I thought we were searching for the meaning of life. After all, it is the age old question, the one people have debated and died for throughout history. It seemed like a good enough answer, but somehow, when applied to the reality of those around me, it didn't quite fit. If it did, we would be nothing more then walking existential crisises.
And we're not.
So, while it sound nice and profound, the meaning of life is not what were are searching for. Not truely. Its merely a sideshow along the way, but not the actual journey.
You are born.
Some are born into luckier circumstances then others. You go to school, get the best education the government can buy (God help us all on that on). You graduate. You go to work, or you may go to college, which will inevidably lead you to work as well. There is nothing wrong with work. It creates discipline and molds character. We go to work to get money, because we live in a society founded on money.
Yet we keep searching. And whatever answer we find, we find in different places. Often times, even after we've thought we found the answer, a little while later, we are searching again.
I realized today, while drive home, what it is people are seeking, striving for, what they want.
We do not want to know the meaning of life. Sure, it's fun to think about and debate, but in the end, we don't want to know. If someone was to tell us "This is your purpose in life," we would probably, in our human folly, reject it.
We want security.
Ever since we huddled together in caves, cringing at distant howls of the untamed wilderness, we've wanted security.
We go to school, to get and education, to get a job, to get money, because in this capitolistic culture or ours, money buy security.
You have the perfect house, the perfect wife, the perfect kids, the perfect neighborhood, because perfection is a sign of security. Anything imperfect cannot be secure, so the logic goes.
When the towers came crashing down, we signed away our rights, because we want security. People with too much freedom will pursue dangerous activties, threatening the perfect security we've built for ourselves.
We are constantly seeking it, and when we've found it, we dedicate our lives to maintaining it. We create levels of status, which we strive to ascend not for riches or respect(though they are nice), but for security. We create our identity based on the things that give us the comfort of security.
Security in our jobs.
Security in our relationships.
Security in our future.
Security in our afterlife.
We do this because the future is unknown, and we don't like the unknown. We fear it. We hold it in contempt and disdain. We hate unexpected surprises.
We do this because if we spend all of our lives focusing on attaining and maintaining security, we won't have to face the ugly insecurities that lie within us. They will be left alone in the dark corners of our soul, forgotten and ignored, never dying, but simply waiting, paitently, for the day our securities come tumbling down.
There is a cruel bit of irony in all of this, when you step back and look at the bigger picture, because in all reality, there really is no security.
It is simply an illusion.
The education, the job, the marriage, the house, the family; There is no security in any of these. A degree can be rendered useless by new scientific advancements, a job can disappear in a wave of recession, a marriage is never guaranteed, a home can burn, and a family can be torn apart in a thousand horrific ways.
And whats ironic is that we know this. We know, honestly, that there is no true security in any of these things, in anything life has to offer. We know it is all an elaborate illusion we've create for ourselves, a false reality we've built so that we don't have to face the actual reality. But we keep coming back to these things, reveling in the ficitional securities they provide. We say we care for these things, and maybe we do, but we care more for the secruity they provide us with. In truth, that may be why we care for them in the first place. These things offer us the illusion of security, and we love them for it.
Security is the ultimate form of power, because it is proof we have power over ourselves and our future. We have conquered that dispised unknown.
And to all that, I say simple this:
Fuck it.
To me, from where I'm standing, its not worth it.
I go to college not for a piece of paper and 5 to 6 figures a year, but because I enjoy the experience, and I enjoy learning. Education has long been a favorite past time.
I grew up in an environment that could be very unstable at times, and I learned early on how little security there is in families. I won't deny myself mine, but I don't depend on them for security either.
I go into Medical Technology not for the money or job security, but because it is something that interests me, and something that is desperately needed. I love the medical field, but if I were to try to become a doctor, I would probably lose my mind. I prefer medical technology, thank you very much.
In our mindless scramble to secure ourselves, we forget about the conditions of the less fortunate, leaving them to fend for themselves. I refuse to do that. The homeless, the junkies, the innocent, the addicts, the diseased, the guilty, the weak, they are all merely human in the end, and I will help them the best I can, all of them.
Love. Love is the most dangerous of all. Nothing threats security more then love, and we deny ourselves the true extent of it, usually for petty reasons. Perhaps we've been hurt before. So? Let it go, and move on. Love the next one openly and without hesitation, without the baggage of the previous relationship. Maybe he really is working late at the office. Nothing in this world offers true security, especially relationships, despite the fact we look to relationships more then anything for security.
Let go of this meaningless pursuit of perfection. The security it promises is but an illusion, and the reality around us, while at times less pleasent, is much more fulfilling. Let go of what you think you want, what you think you need in order to become a better person.
Appriciate what you have now.
Tomorrow it may not be there.
